| DNRC UPDATE |
| Dogbert's New Ruling Class has ballooned to 460,000 members. Each one of you has so much animal magnetism that woodland creatures stick to your body when you hike through the forest. In fact, I predict that at least one of you has a mole on your buttocks right now. |
| INDUHVIDUAL QUOTES |
Here now, some quotes from Induhviduals, many of whom are allowed to operate motor vehicles, and have children, sometimes simultaneously.
"I don't want anybody stepping on anybody else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I'm thinking in my brain."
"What is that disease where if someone loses a lot of blood they just die?"
"Clean as a baby's bottom."
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but..."
"She has not seen one red dime from him."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That'll put the monkey in your court."
"We don't want this project to snowball into a can of worms."
"… up the creek in a hand bag."
"It's best not to open that can of wax."
"Let's pair up into threes."
"I just thought myself into a corner."
"We really need to hang on to our coattails to ride the waves of change."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
|
| ANNUAL WEASEL POLL |
The results of the third annual unscientific Weasel Poll are in, and frankly it's a little embarrassing because I belong to one of the winning groups (America).
I had a long debate with my publicist about whether I should announce the results at all, given that they represent a view of the world that's about as creepy as if you woke up one night and found Michael Moore in your bedroom wearing nothing but a baseball cap.
I was concerned that people might confuse the poll results with my own personal opinions and brand me a communist. My publicist assured me that the general public isn't that thick. She's funny that way.
Luckily for me, the DNRC have superior intellects and can understand this poll as the nearly-random data it was meant to be. Here now, the results:
Media Pundit/Reporter
| Bill O'Reilly |
13123 |
| Michael Moore |
11495 |
| Dan Rather |
8396 |
| Ann Coulter |
7971 |
| Tucker Carlson |
1188 |
Industry
| Oil |
17999 |
| News Media |
11302 |
| Pharmaceuticals |
5705 |
| Law |
5249 |
| Insurance |
3169 |
| Fast Food |
2267 |
Politician
| George W. Bush |
17068 |
| John Kerry |
9565 |
| Dick Cheney |
8920 |
| Muqtada Al Sadr |
1803 |
| John Edwards |
1694 |
| Tom DeLay |
1556 |
| Ralph Nader |
1212 |
| Ahmed Chalabi |
752 |
| John McCain |
570 |
Sports
| Kobe Bryant |
15231 |
| Frank Francisco - The guy who threw the chair at the fan |
8309 |
| Barry Bonds |
7966 |
| George Steinbrenner |
7438 |
| Shaquille O'Neal |
1987 |
|
|
Celebrities
| Donald Trump |
13125 |
| Michael Jackson |
11302 |
| Paris Hilton |
5406 |
| Ashlee Simpson |
4904 |
| Janet Jackson |
3190 |
| Britney Spears |
2670 |
| Eminem |
2427 |
Company
| Halliburton |
25073 |
| Disney |
7596 |
| McDonalds |
4981 |
| Fannie Mae |
2010 |
| Marsh & McLennan |
1545 |
| AIG |
1211 |
Country
| United States |
19918 |
| France |
12941 |
| North Korea |
4915 |
| Israel |
2289 |
| Iran |
1830 |
| Pakistan |
1177 |
Organization
| Religious fanatics |
13192 |
| Swift Boat Vets |
7909 |
| NRA |
7099 |
| United Nations |
6886 |
| ACLU |
6027 |
| FCC |
1853 |
|
|
| TRUE TALES OF INDUHVIDUALS |
Here are some more true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by vigilant DNRC operatives in the field.
--
I have to turn in my wife for a True Tales of Induhviduals. We live in the Colorado mountains and sometimes see bears on our property. Recently my wife asked if I knew how bears know when to hibernate. I said I thought it had to do with temperature, when it got too cold to be out wandering around. She suggested that the end of daylight savings time probably triggered hibernation. When I asked what that would have to do with it, she said, "The bears would notice it getting darker an hour earlier." I guess I didn't realize bears had clocks.
--
My friend was standing with an Induhvidual at a crosswalk the other day when they heard the signals that indicate to the blind that it is safe to cross the street. The Induhvidual asked "What is that?" My friend said, "That's for the blind. The chirping sound indicates that it's safe to cross the street north to south. The cuckoo sound indicates that it's safe to cross east to west." The person looked at my friend and asked, "What do the deaf people do when they need to cross the street?"
--
The secretary came in this morning and noticed that her big, picture calendar had fallen off the wall, to which it had been held by taping the monthly pages as they folded upward. It wasn't so surprising that it had come down, she said, because "It's getting toward the end of the year so it's heavier."
|
| SCOTT'S BOOK SIGNINGS |
Tuesday, December 7
7:00 p.m.
Borders
120 Crescent Drive
Pleasant Hill, CA 94523
Tuesday, December 14
7:00 p.m.
Borders
200 King Street
San Fransciso, CA 94523
|
| DILBERT STOCKING STUFFERS |
|
For the special people in your life who aren't special enough to make you get out of your chair and spend any big money, here are some Dilbert-related shopping suggestions.
|
| Dilbert Fodder |
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals and true quotes.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter
won't bounce it back.
|
| DILBERT'S ULTIMATE HOUSE UPDATE |
|
Dilbert's Ultimate House (DUH) at www.dilbert.com has become a model for people who are planning to build their own houses. If you've borrowed any ideas from Dilbert's design, especially the green elements, I'd love to know about it. E-mail me at scottadams@aol.com
|
| How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter |
You can request a new subscription to the Dilbert Newsletter by entering your e-mail address at:
https://members.comics.com/members/registration/showDilbertLogin.do?aid=1
| Problems Unsubscribing |
If you have problems unsubscribing simply send a message to DNRC-newsletter@unitedmedia.com and your request will be processed manually. This method is much slower than the automated method so please be patient.
All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any medium, forever and throughout the world.
Please do not reply to the address the newsletter is mailed from.
|
|
|
 |
| Ask Dogbert |
Dear Dogbert,
My parents are always calling me to come over and fix their computer. I live an hour away, and this is getting annoying. What should I do?
Lawrence
Dear Lowrents,
Get an unlisted phone number and only communicate with your parents by e-mail. That way, when their computer doesn't work, they won't be able to ask you to fix it. Also, consider changing your name and living as a hobo. No one ever asks a hobo for tech support.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
I want to invite my boss over for dinner, but my wife is a terrible housekeeper. I like a neat, clean house, but her packrat tendencies are so bad that we have to forge a path through the
junk. Any suggestions?
John
Dear Jaundice,
Tell your wife that you bought her a diamond tennis bracelet and it's hidden beneath one of the piles. After she cleans the entire house looking for it, say, "Just kidding!" Then note the amusing look on her face and say, "I wish I had a camera! Ha ha!" Then hire a food taster because your odds of getting poisoned will be somewhat higher.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
I work in a CD shop where lots of Induhviduals point to the price sticker on the CD and ask, "Is this the price?" How can I get maximum personal enjoyment out of this?
Wernich
Dear Wiener,
Tell them that the sticker shows "the price, not including gratuities."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
After saying hello to a coworker in the hall for the first time of the day, how am I to handle seeing him in the hall on successive occasions? Should I say hello again? Should I ignore him?
Micah
Dear Formica,
Try making a dopey face and saying too loudly, "WE'VE GOT TO STOP MEETING LIKE THIS! HA HA HA HA!!!" Eventually, your coworkers will learn to avoid going near you.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
There is a cute guy working in the cubicle near mine, how can I get him to ask me out?
Thanks
Maj
Dear Madcow,
I personally know the guy that sits next to you, and he says he isn't the least bit interested. But don't feel bad, because it isn't you; it's him not liking your looks and your personality.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert,
What is the effect of feeding Goldfish Crackers to a sperm whale?
Jorge
Dear (expletive deleted),
That is perfectly okay, except for the part where the sperm whale eats you and later poops you onto a barrier reef. But whatever you do, don't try to feed a sperm whale to a Goldfish Cracker, because it will anger the whale and ruin the cracker.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
--
Dear Dogbert
How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and prevent myself from ever building a time machine?
Buttons
Dear Buttocks,
I will give you the answer to that question yesterday.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Do you have questions about office politics, meeting etiquette, romancing your boss, the meaning of life, or anything else? Send your questions to
scottadams@aol.com
and Dogbert will provide answers in the next Dilbert Newsletter.
--
|
|
Dilbert © 2005, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.