TOLEDO, OH – Angered at years of paying an allowance to their 12-year-old son Teddy and receiving "almost nothing" in return, Jack and Doris Benjamin decided to sue. Jack explained, "We expected him to be cuter and maybe say the darndest things. We got zippo. Sometimes when my co-workers would be talking about how funny their kids were, I'd have to steer the conversation back to work-related topics so I wouldn't be embarrassed." Doris Benjamin summed it up this way: "Teddy just isn't professional. We pay him and we expect him to provide some sort of entertainment. It was funny when his bike hit the pothole and he landed on his back in the poison ivy, but that was like one time in 12 years."

WASHINGTON, DC – Alan Greenspan was caught on an open microphone telling a friend that he didn't know what the phrase "interest rates" actually means. When asked later to explain the comment, Greenspan refused to apologize, saying, "Hey, I can't be all-things-to-all-people." A high-ranking staff member, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirmed that Greenspan often uses the words "debt" and "taxes" interchangeably. "It works for him. Until now, no one really paid attention to what he said. I guess everyone thought that someone else was listening." A senator on the Finance Committee agreed, noting, "The man's voice can suck the caffeine out of a 50-seat Starbucks. Once I tried to listen to him for more than a minute and one of my lungs collapsed."

LIVERMORE, CA - In a move that caught almost everyone by surprise, stem cells have organized into a powerful special interest group. "We didn't think they could communicate, much less hold meetings," said a scientist at Lawrence Livermore Laboratory, still reeling from the shock. Researchers theorize that the stem cells, long suspected of having souls, have been holding get-togethers in the spiritual dimension. Among the demands, spelled out in a petri dish with unused segments of DNA, the stem cells insist on having their own annual parade "with floats and crap." "They're feisty," said Wolf Nichols, head of stem cell research. "Especially the lesbian stem cells. Can I say that?"

GREENVILLE, NY – A Green County man claims to have disproved the widely assumed connection between gasoline consumption and global terrorism. "I did a little test," said Burt Dunbar. "I pulled the TV up next to the window, facing out, so I could see CNN from the driveway. Then I put my Blazer on blocks and gunned the engine. There were some breaking news stories about buildings blowing up, but no more than usual. See what I'm saying?"

LARAMIE, WY – Cattle rancher Willis Burnett killed 3,000 beef cattle today and burned their carcasses. When asked why, he replied, "I didn't know I needed a reason." His wife put it in perspective: "Willis has always been susceptible to peer pressure. Or maybe he's just trying to one-up them Asians that burned all those chickens. I know he hates cows. That might be part of it. Can I fry you something?"

MELBOURNE BEACH, FL – 86-year-old Jarret Bunngol decided to stop resisting sales pitches and just "buy whatever the hell." Upon learning of this new policy, telemarketer Brad Booton sold Mr. Bunngol "forty gallons of nothing." The nothing will be shipped by two-day ground but billed as if it were next day air. Bunngol is pleased with his new policy, noting that it doesn't clutter up the garage with "knickknacks and lawn jockeys and barrels of sourball candies." "It's a win-win scenario," said newly minted Salesman of the Month Booton. "Our margins go way up, and he's never disappointed, because his expectations are so low. He's crafty, that one."

BEETSVILLE, OH – After a tragic communication mixup, Flossie Mongo devoured her husband of 30 years, Lester. "I asked my doctor if I should get on that Atkins diet and lose weight by eating meat. He just got all serious-like and said -- and I'm quoting now -- ‘Just eat Les.' At least that's what I thought he said. Now he claims there was a silent s on the end of Les." Mrs. Mongo explained that her husband had been riding her hard to follow whatever orders the doctor gave her for losing weight. "He was a real hard ass. I mean literally, I could hardly chew threw it." After a net gain of nearly 150 pounds in one day, Mrs. Mongo admits her other big mistake: "I should have spaced it out. That was way too much for one meal. But I worked up quite an appetite with all the stabbing and sawing. You have no idea." She adds, wistfully, "I'll miss him, but quiet is good too."

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My cousin was stuffing his face with biscuits when my mother asked him what time he'd gone to bed the night before. Unable to speak because his mouth was crammed full, he held up both hands and folded his thumb down. My mom said, "What, eleven?" It took us a while to clean up the spray of biscuit crumbs.

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I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.

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While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color.

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Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there. The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them directions. After driving around for half an hour they could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the women at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they never did build that restaurant."

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I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."

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I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"

"I thought gold was made of diamonds."

"She'd chase a monkey around the zoo if she thought that would help her find her head."

"Do BOTH ends of the cable have to be plugged in?"

"I've got some irons in the fire that may lay some eggs in the next few weeks."

"I feel like I'm beating my head against a dead horse."

"That's like trying to put an apple in an orange hole."

"Walt Disney would turn over in his grave if he were alive today."

Boss pep talk: "Last year we were like lambs. This year we are going to be sheep!"