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Dilbert Newsletter 51.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
*****************************************************
******** SPECIAL WEASEL EDITION *********
*****************************************************
There are 699,614 members of DNRC. Each of you is so smart you
can communicate telepathically with plants, which explains why you
rarely go outside.
Non-members, the so-called in-duh-viduals, will someday be our
domestic servants when Dogbert conquers the world. And that means
dryer-warmed underpants every morning.
Important Muscles
-----------------
One of the most popular machines at my gym is a bizarre-looking
contraption designed to strengthen your gluteus maximus. It might
seem like a frivolous California vanity thing to you, but it's more
practical than you think. For example, if your spouse hogs all the
bed covers, just clench the sheet with your butt muscles and hold
on. Your spouse will be grunting and tugging while you appear to
be sleeping peacefully, never letting on that there's a
struggle going on below the surface.
Or suppose you were kidnapped and your hands and feet were tied,
but you were smart enough to wear stretch pants. Your butt,
properly trained, can be a fierce fighting machine. With a little
practice you can learn to disarm a knife-wielding ASSailant.
A huge, muscular butt can also make you appear taller when you're
seated. That's a big advantage at business meetings. No one will be
the wiser until you stand up and butt-slap the overhead projector
against the wall when you turn to leave.
I started using the butt machine myself, with the ultimate goal of
making it easier to hold tools for home repairs. If you have only
two hands, and you're already holding a flashlight and a
screwdriver, you need at least one more set of opposable cheeks to
keep the pliers nearby. As a bonus, I figure it will discourage my
neighbor from borrowing my tools.
Quotes From Induhviduals
-------------------------
Observant DNRC members continue to send me true quotes of
Induhviduals. Once again I have put them together to make an
excellent story:
"Allow me to throw precaution to the wind," the pointy-haired boss
began, "and speak from the seat of my pants. Sometimes I can't talk
my way out of a wet paper bag. I'm still burned from my sunless
tanning lotion, but I don't mind because it was only one step in a
very large pie. Around here, one hand shoots the other unless you
have all your ducks crossed. I didn't want to throw a wrinkle in
the puzzle, because that's not my cup of beeswax. I prefer to nip
it in the bucket. Sometimes the best you can do is some excremental
improvement, and even then you need to watch people like a sponge."
The End
Now in Paperback!
-----------------
The wondrously economical paperback version of DILBERT AND THE WAY
OF THE WEASEL is here! Don't pay extra for unnecessary book cover
stiffness. Be smart and get the paperback version. If you forget to
bring a bookmark, you can just tear off a chunk of the cover and
you're back in business. Can't find pillows on the airplane? No
problem. This book is so soft that you will be tempted to spoon it.
Better yet, you can even read it!
Speaking of weasels, I convinced five top cartoonists to do my work
for the week of October 20-25, so I could get paid for doing
nothing. Amazingly, they fell for my story about the "creative
challenge" and even acted happy about it. I almost sprained my arm
patting myself on the back for this one.
Each mystery guest cartoonist left clues to his or her identity,
but to check your guesses, go to http://www.dilbert.com the day of the
strip's publication.
Results of Dilbert's 2003 Weasel Awards
---------------------------------------
The second annual exuberantly non-scientific Weasel Poll results
are in. 35,874 people voted. I'll be spending the next few weeks
publicly embarrassing the winners. They are...
Tally
Weaseliest Organization
------
----------------------------------------
7950
Recording Industry Association of America
6322
White House
4470
Democratic Party
3989
ACLU
3859
Organized religion
3039
Fox News Corporation
3008
Republican Party
1860
Congress
1323
New York Times
Tally
Weaseliest Country
------
------------------
12739
France
10761
USA
5845
Saudi Arabia
4668
North Korea
801
Iran
509
Canada
219
Germany
Tally
Weaseliest Company
------
------------------
12854
Microsoft
7645
Halliburton
7220
MCI WorldCom
2425
Kmart
1313
Merrill Lynch
1173
HealthSouth
1017
Freddie Mac
970
Salomon Smith Barney
Tally
Weaseliest Profession
------
---------------------
10309
Politicians
7854
Lawyers
6234
News media
6059
Tobacco executives
4217
Oil executives
1043
Accountants
Tally
Weaseliest Individual
------
---------------------
13959
George W. Bush
5104
Michael Moore
3057
Yasser Arafat
2820
Jacques Chirac
2141
Saddam Hussein
1883
Tom Daschle
1105
Arnold Schwarzenegger
1095
Al Franken
1023
Ariel Sharon
932
Bill O'Reilly
695
Ann Coulter
483
Charles Schumer
400
Sean Penn
383
Jayson Blair
230
Richard Grasso
195
Gerhardt Schroeder
188
Bill Bennett
146
Jack Grubman
Tally
Weaseliest Behavior
------
-------------------
18877
Blaming fast food restaurants for making you fat
5748
Religious extremism
4688
Creating computer worms/viruses because no one will date you
3997
Driving a Hummer
1487
Using cell phones in restaurants
1077
Using speaker phone in cubicle
Induhvidual Tales
----------------------
Here are some inspirational tales of Induhviduals, submitted by
DNRC members. As usual, I suspect that many of them are either
urban legend or lifted from past Dilbert Newsletters that I've
forgotten. But that doesn't make them less funny.
---
Management started having meetings to plan what the new
organization would look like after the upcoming layoffs. Our
pointy-haired boss was invited to the first two meetings but
suddenly the invitations stopped. A day before the layoff
announcements he said, "I'm sure that the layoffs won't concern
our division because they haven't asked me for any names yet. In
fact, they don't even invite me to the meetings anymore!" (Guess
who was on top of the list?)
---
My co-worker went to get her driver's license renewed at the
Florida Department of Motor Vehicles. The line was long, as
always, and she took out her cell phone to make a call. The clerk
called out to her and the other people in line, "You cannot use
your cell phone in here; it makes our computers run very slow!"
---
I work for a government contractor and was recently in a meeting
with a bureaucrat who was explaining a new IT system. Describing
how useful it was, he claimed that it would meet our needs "99.9
times out of a thousand."
---
I was at a high school football game when an induhvidual nearby
asked, "How many quarters are there in the game?"
---
My principal was interviewing a candidate for a job as guidance
counselor and said, "Your references are so glowing it looks like
you can walk on water." The candidate was a paraplegic in a
wheelchair.
---
I worked with a woman who had a nose job. She said, "I wonder if my
baby will have my new nose or my old nose?"
---
I overheard two students emerging from an "Introduction to Social
Work" class. One said, "I can't stand this class. All the teacher
ever talks about is her family. I hate hearing other people's
problems!"
Dilbert Calendar for 2004
--------------------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
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