Dilbert Newsletter #48
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Dilbert Newsletter 48.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
(scottadams@aol.com)
Date: June 2003
DNRC Status
-----------
There are 695,000 members of DNRC. Each of you is capable of
altering the course of sporting events via a process called
rooting. All others on earth are the so-called Induhviduals who
will someday be our domestic servants when Dogbert conquers the
world.
Dumb Rich People
----------------
I recently read an article by an economist who said that poverty
causes people to become terrorists. He used big words and was very
convincing.
Then I watched TV coverage of a high school hazing ritual in an
upscale suburban neighborhood. Dozens of well-to-do Induhviduals
paid for the privilege of sitting in a field and having mud, paint,
garbage, eggs, pig guts, and excrement shoved up their nostrils
while being beaten with blunt objects.
I'm not an economist, but my theory is that you can convince a
certain percentage of Induhviduals to do any dangerous thing,
whether they happen to be poor or not. So let's stop picking on
poor people. If peer pressure can convince 20% of rich kids to
start smoking cigarettes -- and it does -- it isn't much of a leap
to convince them to grow scraggly beards and drive exploding cars.
It's mostly a difference in timing.
Osama inherited half a billion dollars. So I rule out poverty as a
cause of terror. I blame rich Induhviduals, and peer pressure.
Peer pressure is the most powerful force on the planet, and we need
to use it to our advantage. For example, I recommend that the
Western media and politicians stop using the menacing-yet-cool
phrase "Al-Qaeda" and start referring to the group as the
"frickin' Induhviduals."
Like the proverbial dog chasing a car, the Induhviduals haven't
considered what would happen if they caught one. For example,
let's say they (the Induhviduals, not the dogs) accomplish their
stated goal of destroying the economies of the Western world. Is
that really a good plan for people who live in a desert and import
most of their food?
Just for the record, if I'm down to my last potato, I'm not sharing
it with a guy who wants to kill me so he can get a better supply
of virgins in paradise. That lesson is a little thing I call
Economics 101, infidel style.
For the Induhviduals, it must look as if Americans are really dumb
to have the most awesome arsenal in the history of the world and
still be unable to stop terror attacks. They don't realize that the
way Americans look at it is that, so far, we're "really mad," but
not yet "REALLY, REALLY mad." Oh, there's a difference. Americans
understand that somewhere between "inconvenient air travel" and
"complete breakdown of Western civilization," the "REALLY, REALLY
mad" part kicks in. I won't give away what happens then, but
remember you first heard the phrase "New Iowa" in the Dilbert
Newsletter.
And let's stop calling the terrorist supporters "fundamentalists,"
because that sounds like it could be a good thing. I recommend a
more descriptive label, such as "slow learners," to keep things in
perspective. Then let's airdrop science and economics textbooks on
their terrorist training camps with condescending notes, such as,
"Maybe this will help. Call us if you have questions."
This would be a small step, in the sense that reading books about
economics is only slightly better than suicide. But you have to
start somewhere.
That's my plan. If you have a better one, be sure to include it in
your next newsletter.
DNRC Wise-Asses
---------------
Whenever I hear a clever-but-rude wise-ass comment, I feel an
obligation to share it with you. Here are a few gems sent in by
DNRC operatives.
--
One of our salesmen is both short and rotund. Recently, our Sales
Manager gave him some counseling, saying that to be an effective
salesperson he could be either short or fat, but not both. And then
he added, "You decide which one."
--
Whenever anyone asks me how to spell any word
I reply, "I-L-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-E."
--
We were at a restaurant and I ordered the veal Parmesan. One of
the Induhviduals in my group indignantly asked how I could possibly
order that. I remarked that I only eat it at places that serve
"dolphin-safe" veal. She got a deliciously confused look on her
face for a few seconds and then said, "oh..."
Quotes From Induhviduals
-------------------------
Observant DNRC members continue to send me true quotes of
Induhviduals. Here are some of the best.
--
"They want the site to be designed in such a way that it eludes
professionalism."
"We gotta get our soup and nuts together." (Ouch!)
"Deep down, she's shallow."
"If you are left holding the bag, we will fill it."
"He's as slow as malaria."
"He exhumes confidence."
"I describe false symptoms to my doctor to keep him on his toes."
"Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?"
"I slept like a banshee."
"They're throwing us a blind herring."
"That's putting the chicken before the cart.
"We're going to be doing some manual automation."
"I'd like to be a fish on the wall at that meeting."
"I've been thinking about giving that some thought."
"You have to shoot where the fish are barking."
"It goes in one ear and down his back like a duck's water!"
"You've buttered your bread, now lay in it."
"He's going to Hell and a handkerchief."
"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."
"If I had millions of dollars I would go to poor African countries
and wash their babies. I would be a mercenary."
"I'm sure he was drunk, he was driving erotically."
Humor Books
------------
If you don't yet have my Dilbert reprint book, "When Body Language
Goes Bad," then you are depriving yourself of much-needed comic
hilarity. What are you, a monk? Here are the order links.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740732986/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
If you like Dilbert books, you might also like these comic gems:
Groovitude
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740728946/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
The Get Fuzzy Experience
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740733001/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
Pearls Before Swine: BLTs Taste So Darn Good
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740734377/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
Induhvidual Tales
----------------------
Here are some inspirational tales of Induhviduals, submitted by
DNRC members.
--
I received a junk mail item today with the subject title: "You too
can have Perfect Skin - Free Sample."
--
I am a secretary for a small mortgage company in Ohio. A woman who
worked there came up to me and informed me that the hole-punch was
out of staples.
--
At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how
he failed the English course. The teacher invited him to write a
formal letter of complaint to the principal. I glanced at his
letter to see how it was going. His first sentence read, "Dear
Principal, it is infair and unpossible that I failed english."
--
A girl in my high school physics class asked this question: "But...
if the earth stopped spinning, wouldn't it fall out of the sky?"
And this was a "gifted" physics course. They don't make honors
students like they used to.
--
My brother works for the Government of Transport in Belgium, and
was hired 6 years ago. He finished the job he was hired for 5 years
ago... and they failed to find him something else to do. So now he
basically does nothing all day and receives a pretty good
paycheck. In fact, a couple of months ago he got called by his
boss because they found out he used the Internet too much, and
the boss said, "I don't even know who you are, and I don't care,
but you don't seem to have a real job around here. Could you just
use the internet a little less?"
--
My old English teacher planned to give us a test, but we finally
convinced her it would be more educational to watch a movie version
of a book instead. So she got the video, but she couldn't get the
DVD player to work. So we told her maybe it's cold. She sent for
the technician to get her a hairdryer and used it on the video
player. This went on long enough for us to get a photo of her
blow-drying the video. It never did play.
--
We recently hired a software engineer. Monday morning he came in,
and upon seeing that there was no coffee in the pot, he offered to
make some. I said, "Sure, if you want," and told him where the
coffee and filters were. He stood there for several seconds,
looking at the coffee maker, then turned and asked me if he should
use the same grounds that were already in there...the ones that had
been in the coffee maker since Friday. Since we were the only two
people in the office, I'm still kicking myself for not telling
him to go ahead. I could've quoted the pointy-haired boss with,
"Let me know how that works out for you."
--
In Vancouver I drove past a group of concerned parents protesting
the presence of prostitutes in their neighborhood. They were
carrying signs that read, "Keep our street prostitution free!"
They were getting a lot of support from other motorists.
--
I had a cleaning crew come in and clean my apartment. The crew
leader was out sick, leaving an Induhvidual in charge of the crew.
The company charges $60/hr for the crew and the crew took 1 hour
and 20 minutes to clean the place. The Induhvidual had not brought
a calculator, so he asked if it was okay if they just charged me
$75. I said yes.
Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too polite to
answer myself. The names have been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Mr. Adams,
Your recent comics that showed leprechauns being sold for meat is
deeply disturbing to Irish people. You should keep that sort of
trash out of the funnies.
Erin
--
Dear Erring,
I assume you're disturbed because Mr. Adams neglected to specify
the type of beer you should serve with leprechaun. Mr. Adams is
part Irish himself, and he informs me that the proper beer for that
sort of meal is "a lot."
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Doctor Dogbert's Advice
-----------------------
Dr. Laura, the radio doctor, continues to give bad advice. So as a
public service, I have taken some of the questions from her web
site and have asked Dr. Dogbert to give the correct advice.
Question to Dr. Laura:
Adam's mom is marrying someone she met two months ago. She has
asked Adam to walk her down the aisle. Adam doesn't feel
comfortable with this.
Dr. Dogbert's Correct Answer:
You should most certainly walk down the aisle to show your respect
for your mother. But the night before, find her wedding dress and
weaken some of the threads in the seams. The next day, when you're
about halfway down the aisle, and the cameras are rolling, stomp on
the back of your Mom's wedding train. If you do it just right,
she'll end up standing there in her honeymoon panties, shrieking
like a banshee. Then you can sell the video to a bloopers program,
and everyone wins.
--
Question for Dr. Laura:
Every time Carrie and her teenage daughter talk on the phone, they
argue. How can they make this work?
Dr. Dogbert's Correct Answer:
Carrie's daughter needs to learn the most important thing about
talking to a mother on the phone: Don't listen. Ideally, Carrie's .
daughter should say something along the lines of "hello" and then
concentrate on sorting her CDs, doing her nails, whatever, until
the noise stops. Then she should say something like "Yeah" and
repeat the process. That secret is why males rarely argue with
their mothers over the phone.
New Dilbert Mugs
-------------
Want to have some of that delicious office coffee brewed several
days ago but have nothing to drink it from other than your two bare
hands? Well, you're in luck: the Dilbert Store now offers
attractive new Dilbert Mugs. Get today's Dilbert strip, or any
recently published Dilbert strip, featured right on your cup.
http://www.cafepress.com/cp/sotd.aspx?storeid=dilbert&date=06/05/2003
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com
All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the
exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will
have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any
medium, forever and throughout the world.
Please do not reply to the address the newsletter is mailed from.
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Dilbert © 2005, United Feature Syndicate, Inc.