Dilbert Newsletter #47
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Dilbert Newsletter 47.0
"A Little Ray of Bitter Sunshine"
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
(scottadams@aol.com)
Date: April 2003
DNRC Status
-------------------------------------------
There are 672,679 members of DNRC. Each of you is so sexy and
brilliant, I'm at a complete loss for...um... those things that are
made out of letters and assembled into sentences.
Observations
----------
Have you noticed that the longer you know people, the deafer you
both get? My theory is that it's hard to listen to people you know,
because they've already used up all of their interesting stories,
and now they're just talking because they like it when noise comes
out of their body. The conversational problem is compounded if the
party in question tends to take things literally. When you're
dealing with a literal person, there's no such thing as a simple
conversation. For example, you might often have this sort of
exchange:
You: "The moon looks beautiful tonight."
Literal Person: "Which moon?"
You: "How many moons are there? It's night. We're outdoors. I'm looking up."
Literal Person: "You could have meant Reverend Moon of the Unification Church."
You: "You thought maybe he was here?"
Literal Person: "You didn't say, 'the one in the sky.' You just blurted it out. How was I supposed to read your mind? Now I hate you."
Your only defense against the scourge of conversational familiarity
is to pretend to listen, and occasionally contribute phrases such
as, "I totally agree" and "You couldn't be more right." Sometimes
you'll be caught off guard with a multiple-choice question. If that
happens, my experience is that the second choice is always the
best. The first choice is usually a fake-out, and the third one is
a last minute add-on just to make the question more difficult.
DNRC Strategies
---------------
It's a cruel, Induhvidual-infested world, and you need some
strategies for entertaining yourself. Here are some ideas from DNRC
operatives in the field.
--
One of my co-workers related how, as a child, his little brother
stole a quarter of his birthday cake without being detected. He
lifted the cake, sliced a horizontal layer off the bottom, and put
the cake back on the dish. "Must have fallen" was his mother's
comment.
[Note: That future DNRC member really takes the cake.]
--
Here's a fun hobby of mine: When I get e-mail spam that includes
an 800-number, I save the number for later. Then when one of the
hundreds of Nigerian scam e-mails hits my e-mail box, I reply
enthusiastically and give the 800-number of the spammer as my own.
I feel that people in the DNRC have a responsibility to introduce
A-holes to each other.
--
When you call a business and get put on hold, there are some
musical choices that are especially fitting. Here are two that have
been used on our system:
- Send In The Clowns.
- It Don't Matter To Me.
[Note: Another good choice: "I Can't Get No (Satisfaction)".]
Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------
Observant DNRC members continue to send me true quotes of
Induhviduals. Here are some of the best.
--
"He's not the brightest cookie in the lamp."
"Predicting is difficult, especially when it involves the future."
"That thing was jumping up and down like a sieve."
"We will be downsizing, and hopefully people will be leaving
through nutrition."
"Hold on; the roller coaster is just leaving the dock."
"I have a photogenic memory and a near-genius IQ!"
"I've got a bone in my bonnet about this."
"They are raising the bar and they want us to jump through it."
"We've burned the first bridge, but we're not out of the woodwork
yet."
"Well, you finished that project by the skin of your pants!"
"That idea went over like a ball of wax."
"You still have two minutes, as the crow flies."
A basketball player recently commented that since his trade,
"Everything has been peaches and gravy."
"It's not wrong; it's just not specific enough."
My boss tried to compliment my memory the other day, with the
assertion that I "must have a real data suppository in my head."
"Not the sharpest knife in the deck."
"Off the cuff of my head, I don't know."
"He's been beating his head around the bush for a long time."
From the classroom: "Mr. Black, how many undiscovered islands are
left in the world?"
"Everybody's got oxen to grind."
"Each of you pitched a home run today!"
Humor Books
----------------------------
My new reprint book, "When Body Language Goes Bad," went to #1 on
the list of HUMOR best sellers. I'm generally filled with feelings
of self-loathing for everything I produce, but I think this one is
among the best.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740732986/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
If you like Dilbert books, you might also like these comic gems:
Groovitude
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740728946/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
The Get Fuzzy Experience
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740733001/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
Pearls Before Swine: BLTs Taste So Darn Good
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740734377/ref=nosim/newsletter1-20
Induhvidual Tales
--------------------------
Here are some inspirational tales of Induhviduals, submitted by
DNRC members.
--
I took a shortcut at the shopping mall, passed through an appliance
department, and overheard, "I need a trash compactor because my
garbage is too heavy to carry up the driveway."
--
I am in middle school. There was a kid who had to make up a goal
for fourth quarter. They gave the goal sheet to the teacher. It
said, "I want to do better on my test." The teacher told him to
make "test" plural, and then he could turn it in. The kid came
back with "I want to do better on my testes."
--
A co-worker was lamenting the fact that she got a speeding ticket
on her way to AND from traffic court. She concluded with, "I've
had such a run of bad luck."
--
A few weeks ago in my physics class, my teacher had gone off on a
story about how he once had cataracts. He described the illness as
being like having his two fists constantly in front of his face,
which he physically demonstrated. When he mentioned how this
impaired his driving, a student asked, "Why, because your knuckles
were so big?"
--
I saw a sign on the London tube coming back from work this evening:
"No Begging. Fine: 200 pounds"
Does the guy pay using credit card or check?
--
My husband is a journalism professor and was recently given this
profile from a second year University student. The first line read:
"Robert X has a self-defecating personality."
--
There are two girls at my school who are dismally idiotic. When
asked who was Tarzan's girlfriend, girl number one was unable to
come up with a name. When informed it was Jane, girl number two
replied, "Come on, that one was so easy I could have answered it
blindfolded."
--
I've heard a good adjective for Induhviduals: "Untelligent." I
heard a friend apply it to himself (presumably by accident).
--
A classmate got back his graded test in our World History class, in
which he scored 76 points out of 100. He pulled out his graphing
calculator to calculate the percentage.
Ugly Commerce
-----------------------
In a pathetic attempt to motivate myself to make more Dilbert
Newsletters, I offer you two links to some products you might have
wanted anyway. Apparently I get a nickel, or something like that,
if you follow these links and buy something. Don't blame me if you
get ink all over yourself and start dating a serial killer.
There's a Blow-Out Sale for Hewlett Packard, Lexmark, and Epson at
123inkjets.com:
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Dogbert Answers My Mail
-------------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too polite to
answer myself. The names have been changed to make them funnier.
Dear Dogbert,
While visiting a friend in a nearby office, I spied a box of
chocolates made available for anyone who wanted some. I took one
and happily gobbled it down. No one saw me take it. I figure there
was only enough for each employee in the office to have one piece.
Was it ethical to finish the entire box as long as no one noticed?
Keith
--
Dear Thief,
Yes, that is perfectly ethical. But I recommend leaving a
chocolate-smeared napkin at the entrance to your friend's cubicle.
That is even more ethical.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
Doctor Dogbert's Advice
------------------------
Lately, I've been noticing that Dr. Laura, the radio doctor, has
been giving bad advice. So as a public service, I have taken some
of the questions from her web site and have asked Dr. Dogbert to
give the correct advice.
Question 1
----------
Kelly's husband was arrested for solicitation. He is on trial and
would like Kelly to attend the trial. Should she?
Dogbert's Answer
----------------
Kelly should attend the trial. She should wear a short skirt, huge
pumps, and occasionally yell, "I want my money!"
Question 2
----------
Stacy's oldest daughter, who is ten, is beginning to develop a
weight problem. The daughter would like to go on a diet. Stacy
wants to keep her daughter's self-esteem high. Should Stacy put her
on a diet?
Dogbert's Answer
---------------
The daughter is fine. But Stacy should put her own fat head on a
diet for asking this question, because now every 10-year-old girl
with a mother named Stacy is going to have a tough day in school.
Question 3
----------
Christy's 15-year-old daughter is acting up. Most recently, she
dyed her hair multiple colors. Should Christy punish her daughter,
and if so, how?
Dogbert's Answer
---------------
It is redundant to punish a girl who dyes her hair multiple colors.
But if you feel it's absolutely necessary, I recommend a tattoo.
Dilbert Fodder
---------------
What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see
it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder
involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of
dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management
consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.
And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.
And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be
mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:
scottadams@aol.com.
IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter won't
bounce it back.
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