DNRC Progress Toward Total World Domination
-------------------------------------------

Many of you 640,000 members of DNRC have asked when we'll be conquering the planet and making all the non-members (the so-called In-duh-viduals) our domestic servants. I'm happy to report that China has already been taken over by DNRC. The media recently revealed that all nine members of the new Chinese Politburo Standing Committee are engineers by training. And that means they're reading the Dilbert Newsletter right now. (Hi guys!)

You can tell when a country has been conquered by DNRC because their leaders tend to wear Wally-like glasses, and pants that don't reach their shoes. And still they are inexplicably attractive.


Dogbert's Holiday Gift Guide
----------

A gift sends an important message. As a public service, Dogbert has translated some gift ideas into their matching messages so you can choose properly. You'll notice that some gifts are highly flexible and send more than one message.

Gift Item		Message
-----------------------------		---------------------------
Dilbert book: "Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel"		I like you as much as I like myself, only less.
Dilbert book: "Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel"		You're a huge, clueless weasel and you don't realize I'm mocking you with this gift.
Dilbert book: "Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel"		I want to make passionate love to you. If I'm not there in five minutes, start without me.
Huge diamond		The bookstore was out of Dilbert books.

To get your Dilbert book, run to your local bookstore or buy online:

From Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060518057/newsletter1-20

From Barnes & Noble:

http://service.bfast.com/bfast/click?bfmid=2181&sourceid=39361975&bfpid=0060518057&bfmtype=book


DNRC Witticisms
---------------

Here are some actual witticisms perpetrated by the oh-so-clever members of DNRC.

--

A store clerk asked for my zip code, apparently as part of their market research. Rather than just saying, "No," I told the young Induhvidual at the cash register that it was unlisted. The Induhvidual looked at me with obvious confusion and said, "I didn't know that you could do that."

I replied, "Of course, but like telephone numbers, it costs extra." I looked back as I was leaving, and observed the Induhvidual still lost in thought, and the next customer impatiently waiting for service.

--

I had a few Sacagawea gold dollar coins that I wanted to get rid of so I used them at the Wal-Mart to pay for part of my order. The cashier looked at them, puzzled, and asked what they were. I told her that they were the new dollar coins. She replied, "Are you sure?" I told her yes, I was sure that they were money. "Alright then, if you say so," she said, and took them.

Next week I'm planning to pay for my entire grocery trip with buttons and rocks.

--

One time I asked my sister what she did at work. She said, "I just sit there and look pretty." Her (ex)husband replied, "No wonder you always come home so tired."

[Editor's note: I don't even know what that means, but it's still funny.]


True Quotes From Induhviduals
-----------------------------

Here are some true quotes from Induhviduals, as submitted by the attractive and brilliant members of DNRC.

--

"I may not be the brightest light in...the...light drawer!"

"The ball is in the other person's lap."

"That report reads like a bleached whale."

"That really burns my goat!"

"He had the eyes of a bat."

"A little hindsight is forethought."

"I don't feel like the sharpest button on the beach today."

"I just got my car fixed and it's runnin' like a dime."

"I won't cow-tail to anyone."

"She exaggerates EVERYTHING."

"That's going to be the gravy on the cake!"

"The Albatross of Damocles is hanging over your neck."

"There's more than one way to lick a cat."

"They've dumped you in the briar patch and told you to sink or swim."

"We have to make sure we're all swimming on the same page."

"We've got a cash cow that's turning into a dog that needs milking."


Getting Signed Dilbert Books
----------------------------

If you live in the San Francisco East Bay, or you know someone who does, I'm happy to sign Dilbert books that you leave at my restaurant in Dublin. Just leave a note with the book and give me a few days before you pick it up. I'm there regularly. It's called Stacey's at Waterford, located at 4500 Tassajara Road in Dublin, near Highway 580. Phone: 925-551-8325.

Please DON'T MAIL anything to that location for signature. Walk-ins only. Anything snail-mailed will be donated to charity.


True Tales of Induhviduals
--------------------------

Here are some true tales of Induhviduals as reported by DNRC members.

--

A friend was sitting in history class at his university, waiting for the professor to arrive. He heard a guy behind him talking to one of his friends, saying, "Hey, I wonder if Christmas would ever fall on Friday the 13th."

--

We upgraded everyone in the office to Microsoft Office XP, and since then a particular In-duh-vidual has blamed the upgrade for everything that has gone wrong with her computer. She even accused the software upgrade of shortening her mouse cord. It turns out she just got new bifocals and was sitting farther from her computer than usual.

--

I asked my manager, "What is Karen's last name?" My manager replied, "Karen who?"

--

I was forced to attend a seminar on leadership. We were broken into small groups and each was asked to state what skills a good leader possesses. I wrote, "Needs to be good with elephants and crossing Alps." The others at my table were amused, but the seminar coordinator didn't get it. I said it was a reference to Hannibal, known for his leadership qualities. Her reply: "What leadership qualities? He was a cannibal, and anyway, it was lambs, not elephants."

--

I was on the phone asking directions on how to get to an Induhvidual's business:

Me: I'll be driving on I-95. Is your company east or west of the interstate?

Induhvidual: It depends on which direction you're driving.

--

I work at a large hospital. A few years ago, an employee dressed as Mrs. Santa and visited the children's ward. Unfortunately, this was the day she was downsized. She returned to work where she was summoned to the VP of Operations, who gave her the news that her services were no longer needed. She packed her desk and left the building, still in costume.

--

My team was giving a demo of the latest version of our software to the visiting French upper management team. One of the French executives asked if a particular feature was implemented according to the specifications. I replied, "Yes, well, at least according to the spec du jour." We had a good chuckle, then my boss looked right at the French executive and said, "That means 'of the day.'"

Did I mention that our visitors were from France?

--

Overheard in an elevator:

Induhvidual 1: "Wow, it's going to be 24 degrees tonight. That's sub-zero!"

Induhvidual 2: "It's below sub-zero!"

Induhvidual 1: "That's what sub-zero means: below zero."

--

Seen next to a water dispenser with a large jug of bottled water: "Employees are forbidden to use the bottled water to make coffee." So it's okay to just DRINK the water, but if you have the audacity to run it through a bunch of coffee grounds and THEN drink it, you're in a world of hurt.

--

The day before the latest stamp price hike, a cow-orker announced she was going to the post office to stock up on stamps before they raised the prices. Note: she just completed her MBA.

--

My university just published a new class schedule. There isn't enough room on the schedule for full names so we end up with interesting abbreviations. I was looking through the Psychology section, when I noticed a course that I assume is really Psychological Assessment II. But it was listed as "Psycho Asses II."


Dogbert Answers My Mail
-----------------------

In this section, Dogbert answers my mail that I'm too polite to answer myself. The names have been changed to make them funnier.

--

Dear Mr. Adams,

My little brother was reading your Weasel book and shot soda out of his nostrils. I was wondering how many Dilbert books he would have to read before I could use him as a jet pack to fly around the neighborhood.

Sincerely,

Heath

Dear Heathen,

It's not the quantity of Dilbert books that matters so much as the rate at which you read them. I recommend forcing your little brother to take a speed-reading course. Then hand him a liter of Pepsi, strap yourself to his back, and reach in front of him with the Dilbert book. If you start to lose altitude, turn the pages faster. If you run out of Pepsi while airborne, quickly put your brother to sleep and slip his hand into a bucket of warm water. It won't help, but you'll have a good laugh on the way to your death.

Sincerely,

Dogbert

--

Dear Mr. Adams,

Where do all of your ideas come from?

Nathan

Dear Nothin,

Mr. Adams gets most of his ideas while in the shower. The bathroom door is closed when it happens, so there are two possible sources. Either the ideas are contained in the clean, chlorinated water that comes from the showerhead, or they emanate from the public sewer system and waft up through the drain. Judging from the quality of Mr. Adams' ideas, I think we can rule out the showerhead.

Sincerely,

Dogbert

--

Dear Mr. Adams,

Do you plan to retire soon, like Gary Larson, Bill Watterson, and Berke Breathed? What's up with you cartoonists anyway - are you lazy?

Sincerely,

Bobby,

Dear Booby,

Mr. Adams is indeed lazy, but he assures me that he will not retire soon unless he is disappointed in the sales of his latest book.

Sincerely,

Dogbert

--

Dear Mr. Adams,

You have sunk to new lows in trying to promote your new Weasel book! First you promise that Dilbert will get lucky if you make the NY Times top 5, and now you threaten to retire if people don't buy your book! Wait a minute... How did I know you threatened to retire? That letter is appearing at the same time as mine. Ohmygod! You must have invented this fake letter to Dogbert too! That means I don't exist. AAAAAGH!!!!

Sincerely,

(     )


Holiday E-cards
-------------------------

Send the holiday version of the weasel rap, or the new, improved, "12 Months of Christmas" card, now with music!

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/e_greetings/index.html


Holiday Screensaver
------------------------

Dilbert and the dancing weasels will make your computer festive when you download this free screensaver. It's a special holiday bonus for DNRC members.

http://www.dilbert.com/DilbertSofiScreensaver/DilbertPasswordLoginPage


Holiday Wallpaper
-----------------------

Dilbert plays Santa while Dogbert dreams of world domination:

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/desktop_diversions/html/wallpaper.html


Dilbert Store
-------------

Until Friday, December 13th, the Dilbert Store is offering a flat $5 standard shipping rate on orders for clothing, prints, clocks, calendars, mouse covers, cell phone covers and cling sticker mousepads.

http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store.aspx?s=dilbert


Dilbert Fodder
---------------

What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.

And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.

And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your (brief) suggestions to me at:

scottadams@aol.com

IMPORTANT: Put "Dilbert" at the end
of your subject line so my spam filter won't
bounce it back.

How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
--------------------------------------------

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-----------------------------------------

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Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com

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