DNRC Update
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Wow. There are 585,000 DNRC members. To be a member, you only need to subscribe to this free newsletter, and apparently you have. Each of us is a towering example of beauty and intelligence. Except for me, as I will explain below.


My Buzz Cut
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I recently joined the ranks of hairless studs such as Bruce Willis and Andre Agassi, thanks to an aggressive mowing of my own dome. I remember the exact moment I decided to go for it. I was having lunch with two friends who had already blazed the trail to cue ball city. One of them - a notorious giver of nicknames -- referred to my old hairstyle choice as the "pink yarmulke." That pretty much sealed the deal.

The most shocking thing about getting a buzz cut (I didn't go all the way) is that you suddenly realize your head is much smaller than you ever would have imagined. I've developed a sudden fear of ping-pong. Unfortunately, my ears, nose and glasses stayed exactly the same size thus giving me a Mr. Potato Head look that I hope will one day become fashionable.

On the plus side, I find endless amusement rubbing my head with my hand. You would think I'd get bored doing that, but you would be mistaken. That's why it's taken me so long to write this newsletter; I'm typing with one hand.

I try to resist rubbing my head, but I don't have the willpower. I tried to cut down from two hands to one. That worked for a few days, but the next thing I knew I was slipping off a shoe and trying to get a foot involved. It's a small problem now, but I'm afraid it's like a gateway habit, a stepping-stone to worse addictions. I'm already eyeing other parts of my body and wondering how that stubble would feel. It's a sickness, really.


Dealing With Induhviduals
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It's fun to apologize to Induhviduals in ways that are more insulting than sincere. The first two examples come from DNRC members. The rest are my contributions, although I can't imagine someone hasn't said them before.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

You're the best thing since sliced tea.

No, those pants don't make you look fatter. I mean, how could they?

When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks.

I love you more today than tomorrow.


Sentences Never Before Uttered
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I like to spot sentences that I'm certain have never before been spoken. Today I heard this one: "Marisa is in charge of snouts."

That requires some explanation.

My upcoming hardcover book, due out in late October, is called "Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel." We were looking for some plastic weasel-like snouts to use for promotion. While it is entirely possible that other people have been in charge of snouts, I doubt that any have ever been named Marisa.


True Quotes From Induhviduals
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Have you recently forgotten where you left your keys? Maybe you're thinking you're losing your keen mental edge. If so, read these true tales of Induhviduals, as reported by DNRC operatives in the field, and you'll see how brilliant you really are, relatively speaking.

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When I remarked that this Friday is the longest day of the year, our receptionist looked puzzled and asked, "You mean it's longer than 24 hours?"

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During our recent quarterly division conference call, our division CIO made the following statement: "We do a great job of servicing our customers from the front end, but we must all remember to continue servicing our clients through the back end."

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The other morning, two people walked by me on their way to the elevator. One said to the other, "So, where do all these elevators go? Are there other floors?" I laughed so hard milk flew out of my cube neighbor's nose.

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One of my Dad's retired friends spends nine months a year in Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One year, while he was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His neighbor in Wisconsin, who had a key, had entered his home to check that everything was okay with the house. The house was a shambles and he called the police to report a burglary. The police officer reported: "The house appears to have been ransacked."

My Dad's friend immediately bought a plane ticket and flew 1000 miles home to discover that the house looked exactly the way it always looks.

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I saw this statement about a company's services:

"You've taken your first step into a bold new realm that will transform your imagination into a vision."

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I work in a bank. An Induhvidual tried to return the stamps she had purchased because they "did not work." The stamps were self-stick, and she was licking the shiny paper that you're supposed to peel off.


DNRC Book Club
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You might have seen some of the media frenzy about Stephen Wolfram's new 800+ page book called "A New Kind of Science." It's a huge bestseller. He's a physicist who has a theory that the whole universe - including everything from evolution to physics to free will - can be understood as a simple program with maybe two or three simple rules. He shows lots of examples of how simple programs can, given enough time, create all of the sorts of patterns and complexity found in nature. For his work, Wolfram is routinely compared to Einstein and Newton.

Or you can read the same theory, published a year earlier, in my fiction book, "God's Debris." (See page 55 in the hardcover. Really.) For my work, I am routinely compared to Bozo the Clown, Charles Manson, and steaming piles of offal.

I assume Wolfram gets more respect than I do because he's a polymath genius whereas my only other theory is, "You are what you eat, so don't eat a falafel because then you'll feel-awful." That's the sort of theory that can come back and haunt you.

God's Debris:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0740721909/dilbertcom-20

A New Kind of Science:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1579550088/dilbertcom-20


Signs of Induhviduality
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When Dogbert takes over the world, the first thing he'll do is make it illegal for Induhviduals to make signs. Until then, enjoy these sightings.

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Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa:

      "Everyday low value"

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There's a dry cleaner here in Albany, NY, that offers "Swede Cleaning."

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There is a sign on a church in Greenfield, MA, that says:

      "HOW DO YOU FIND JESUS?"

The next line down says:

      "RUMMAGE SALE Saturday 8-2."

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A sign on a gun shop in downtown Chandler, AZ, reads:

      "Guns, Ammo, Picnic Supplies"

[editor's note: That's a bad place to start a food fight.]

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In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school:

      "English Tootering"

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A workman on a construction project at our facility left this neatly-lettered warning sign:

      "WARNING - HOLE IN FLOOR ABOVE DOORWAY BELOW."

I didn't look under the sign, however, for fear of being sucked into another dimension.

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An ad running here in Charlotte, NC:

      "Local talent agency seeks expiring models..."


Benefits of Being a Weirdo
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One of the many benefits of being a weirdo is that sometimes, entirely by accident, you can end up looking like a visionary. I became a vegetarian years ago when I discovered that I don't digest meat very well. So when I started my food company, Scott Adams Foods, Inc., I made our products vegetarian (now also vegan) so that everyone, including weirdos like me, could eat it. The goal was to provide a nutritious (engineered) meal for people who cared about that sort of thing. It's important because most food, including vegetarian food, is either vitamin-free or fattening or low on protein or inconvenient. Everything seemed to have a trade-off. We tried to fix that.

Suddenly, I don't seem like such a weirdo. All the major news outlets are featuring stories about the importance of diet. And the timing is good, because I'm moving my food products - The Dilberito (handheld nutritious burrito) and Protein Chef (meat substitute made from wheat protein) into foodservice channels. So if your college or business cafeteria doesn't have the variety that you want, you might want to encourage them to look at http://www.dilberito.com for some options.

It's too late for you to be a weirdo, but you can still get in on the ground floor of being a visionary.

True Quotes From Induhviduals
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Here are more true quotes submitted by DNRC members. Most of these were spoken by managers. As always, Induhviduals continue to be confused by critters, food items, nature, and body parts.

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"We need to iron out our bread and butter."

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"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines!"

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"You don't want me down here breathing down your throats."

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"That floor is so clean you could comb your hair off of it."

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"I think we should go for the whole ball of wood."

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"We're going to clean the competition's lunch."

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"It's like the blind talking to the blind!"

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"We've baked our cake, now we have to eat it."

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"She's totally green under the collar."

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My boss told me I was a "sword in his thigh."

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At the completion of my on-campus job interview, which I thought went well, I was told by the interviewer, "You'll hear from us one way or the other or not at all."

Free Dilbert Stuff
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See Dilbert.com to download four new free Dilbert wallpaper designs - "Demons of Stupidity," "Fake Desktop," "Fist of Death," and "Out to Lunch."

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/desktop_diversions/html/wallpaper.html

Check out the new Dilbert IMVironment available on Yahoo! Messenger:

http://messenger.yahoo.com/messenger/imv/

The newest Dilbert e-cards are at:

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/e_greetings/index.html

"The Search for Intelligence in the Office" is a free Dilbert screensaver for DNRC members. (You'll need your DNRC password.)

http://www.dilbert.com/DilbertSofiScreensaver/DilbertPasswordLoginPage

Dogbert Answers My Mail
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In this section Dogbert answer the e-mail that I am too polite to answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail messages but the names have been changed to make them funnier.

Dear Mr. Adams,

This is my fifth letter to you. You never respond! What do you think about the first letter that I sent? Are my ideas good? Tell me if you use them.

   Brad

Dear Brat,

Mr. Adams doesn't remember your first letter, but judging from the quality of your most recent letter, he's sure your ideas are brilliant. When Mr. Adams uses your ideas - and I'm sure he will - I will send you a secret coded message via your bed sheets.

   Sincerely,

   Dogbert

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Dear Mr. Adams,

Your recent comic suggested that there was something wrong with banjo manufacturers and banjos. Banjo makers deserve more than a backhanded dismissal in your comic strip. In fact, banjos are exciting and unique handcrafted instruments.

Perhaps those who know absolutely nothing about banjos should refrain from making thoughtless judgments.

   Jeremy

Dear Germy,

Mr. Adams offers his sincere apology for offending banjo makers and users. The last thing he wants to do is irritate hillbillies, Republican senators who perform in barbershop quartets, and the guy who wrote the letter above yours.

From now on, Mr. Adams will only mock musical instruments that have less passionate supporters. I plan to do some research on nose-whistling to see if it has an organized lobbying group.

   Sincerely,

   Dogbert


Dilbert Fodder
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What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses. And I love True Tales of Induhviduals. And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.


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