9/11/01
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Every morning for over twelve years I woke up before dawn, grabbed my timer-brewed coffee and sat down to draw a Dilbert comic. I did it seven days a week. I did it on Thanksgiving. I did it on Christmas. I did it when I was sick. That was my rule, unless I was traveling. No exceptions. Never.

People always asked me, "Do you ever have writer's block?" Nope. Not once.

On 9/11/01, that changed. Somehow I managed to turn off the television for a few minutes. I stared at a blank piece of paper. It stayed blank.

The bastards took my sense of humor.

Shock. Disbelief. Grief. Anger. Repeat.

The counting began. The husband of a friend, gone. The husband of a business associate, gone. A regular customer of my restaurant, gone. The innocence of a generation of children, gone. Trust, gone. Investments, squashed.

We lost so much. But it put life in perspective, and that might be the one good thing to come from this. Friends and family are more precious. I am grateful for every bite of food and every drink of water. My cats purr better. The first normal radio commercial in several days was deeply satisfying. I had taken so much for granted.

The politicians and the soldiers have their jobs to do. We all know our roles too -- somehow automatically -- a reassuring sign of our indestructible connectedness.

Now I'm going to do my job. I'm taking back my sense of humor. I hope you'll join me when you can. If you're not ready, read no further. We'll catch up later, my friend.

(pause, take a breath)


DNRC Long-Term Plan
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The long-term plan for the DNRC is to evolve into a new species with telekinetic powers. That sort of thing normally takes a billion years but if we manage the project correctly I think we can do it by 2003. The first step in this process is to develop our own language. Specifically, we'll need lots more words to describe our majestic beauty, our galactic intelligence, and the underpowered brains of the Homo sapiens we leave behind.

To review some of our current vocabulary:

In-duh-vidual: Anyone who is not in the DNRC

A-duh-lescent: Young Induhvidual

Cow-orker: A co-worker who is an In-duh-vidual

A DNRC member suggests a new word for Induhviduals who are in their advanced years: El-duh-ly. It's a keeper.


Dilbert's Ultimate Cubicle
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Have you seen Dilbert's Ultimate Cubicle yet? It's a real live prototype developed with IDEO, a leading innovation and design firm. It has everything from a hammock to an under-floor cooler to a boss punching bag. Go to http://www.dilbert.com and follow the links to see it in full detail. Then eat your heart out.


Boss and Cow-orker Quotes
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From the mouths of Induhviduals come mostly babble, but sometimes entertaining quotes. Here are some gems submitted by DNRC members. You'll notice a recurring theme that Induhviduals have a hard time keeping straight the functions of all of their body parts.

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I once heard my PHB say, "It's like the naked leading the blind."

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I was in a meeting the other day when one of my cow-orkers said, "We need to keep our noses to the ground, to hear what is coming!"

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When discussing the most recent management initiative, my boss said that we better make sure our facts are straight, or "we won't have a leg to speak of."

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Our CEO said, "You need to keep on burning the midnight oil... at both ends!"

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My boss said we wanted to avoid a situation in our system design that would cause us to "bite our own foot."

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My boss actually said, "If we can't lead them with a stick, we are going to have to beat them with a carrot."

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My boss said, "It sounds like sour milk, and I don't like the smell of it."

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During a big, formal presentation, my PHB explained how our Web site was built using "hyper-text magic language."

I had to leave the room.

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My cow-orker just said her grandmother "smokes like a fish..."


"God's Debris" Now in Hardcopy
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The response to my e-book, "God's Debris," was so good (#1 e-book in the world for 2001) that I turned it into a hardcover, available now at bookstores and online booksellers.

The thought experiments and topics in the book became all too relevant recently (holy lands, religious war, souls and science). The book describes a solution to our current global problem, in fiction form, written before the recent ugliness.

No, I don't think global solutions come from books written by cartoonists. But if it helps anyone think differently about the collision of science and religion, that's a start.


Great New Dilbert.com Features
---------------

There's no flies on Dilbert.com (just bugs). Look at these new features:

Newest Dilbert strips on shirts:

Every day you can get the latest Dilbert strip printed on a T-shirt or sweatshirt. Strips are available for one month after they're published.

http://www.cafepress.com/unitedmedia/category.aspx?category=dilbert

Free E-Cards:

Not just for birthdays - send a Dilbert postcard or animated greeting. Some include games!

http://www.dilbert.americangreetings.com/

Dogbert's origin strips:

See Dogbert's origin in the comics that never got published.

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/scoop/dogbert_origin.html



True Tales of Induhviduals
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And now, more true tales from Induhviduals, submitted by DNRC members.

We sent a message to our wholesaler asking what happened to two orders of underwear that were 60 days late. The answer I got back was, "Sorry, they fell through the cracks."

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A local museum here in Nova Scotia has a display about early French settlers. My friend once overheard a visitor commenting on the wooden shoes shown in the costume display, "I didn't know the French were Dutch!"

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On my way to school I saw a pickup truck towing a car using nothing but a rope. No one was in the towed car and it was moving at a good clip. Needless to say, when the pickup stopped at a red light the towed car smashed into the back of it, demolishing both vehicles."

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I recently had to call German Telekom to get my new cell phone switched on. I asked the call center guy how long it would take and he said, "Well, usually it only takes 48 hours, but we're experiencing technical difficulties right now, so it'll take about two days."

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Last week I was sitting in the teacher's lounge at the high school where I work. One of my colleagues, an English teacher, was lamenting the poor behavior of her students, and longing for the return of "corporate punishment."

[Editor's note: I assume that involves a cubicle.]

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A local Chinese restaurant printed up thousands of menus and distributed them. The entry for "Shrimp with assorted vegetables" was tragically mistyped as "Shrimp with assroted vegetables."

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While working at the local library, surrounded by literally tens of thousands of library materials, I was approached by an Induhvidual who asked, "Do you have any books?"

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I work at a thrift store in Oklahoma. One day we got a set of nice used glass bowls. My boss prepared them for display and made a sign.

"New set of bowels -- $4.00"

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I was eating breakfast at a restaurant called Biscuitville. The paper liner of the tray proudly announced

"INGREDIENTS AS FRESH AS THEY WERE 27 YEARS AGO"

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Someone broke into the house of one of my dad's friends. While the person was stealing stuff, I guess he needed a change of clothes, because he took off his pants and put on a pair from the house. He left his own pants behind. Unfortunately for him, he forgot that in one of the pants pockets there was a receipt with his name and address on it. Needless to say, there wasn't much trouble in catching him.


Weasel Stories Needed
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If you have any good stories of people being weasels, please send them my way, to scottadams@aol.com.

You know weaseling when you see it. It's all the action that's somewhere between honesty and outright criminal behavior. It's the little lies of omission, the intentionally misleading wording, statistics taken out of context, poor performance done intentionally, almost anything done by a vendor. You know it when you see it. Better yet, you know it when you do it.


Dogbert Answers My Mail
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In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail. The names have been changed to make them funnier.

Dear Mr. Adams,

I overheard this last night. One woman said to another, "It's hotter than a cow's ass." I didn't know that cows were renowned for the temperature of their hindquarters. If you have any insights on this topic that you could share with DNRC, I think we'd all be enlightened.

DNRC Member

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Dear Esteemed DNRC Member,

You've probably seen the popular bumper sticker that says, "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." Studies have shown that every person prefers a different type of hindquarter -- some like cowboys, some like cows. I believe that you overheard an Induhvidual who finds cows "hot." While many of us can't appreciate that sentiment, I think we all agree that it would be convenient to date a cow, especially if you're sitting in Starbucks and you don't want to walk all the way over to the little counter to get some extra cream.

Sincerely,
Dogbert


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Dear Mr. Adams,

The pop-up ads on your dilbert.com Web site are annoying! Please make them go away.

Tommy

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Dear Commy,

People have learned to ignore Web ads that don't move, so lately advertisers are only willing to pay for pop-up ads. Someday, after you learn to ignore pop-up ads too, then the advertisers will have to drive to your house and tattoo ads directly on your body. You'll be nostalgic for the good old days of pop-up ads. Enjoy them while you can.

Or you can go to dilbert.com and sign up for the Daily Dilbert comic and have it e-mailed directly to you, for free, with no pop-up ads. (Seriously.)

Sincerely,
Dogbert


Dilbert Fodder
---------------

What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses.

And I love True Tales of Induhviduals.

And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better.


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