Update on Special Mental Powers Experiment
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In the last newsletter I asked for volunteers to write down "The Dilbert TV show will get a 7 share" fifteen times, once a day, in a highly unscientific experiment to mentally influence the environment.

The hypothesis was that if the method worked, coincidences would start to accumulate until the goal was accomplished through no particular skill or effort on anyone's part.

Roughly two thousand of you wrote to say you would participate. Result: Two episodes of the show have aired since the experiment began, each one with identical ratings to the prior weeks and also to the shows on UPN before and after it. They all came in at about a 3 share.

On the surface, it would appear the method didn't work. But something interesting happened, a coincidence of sorts, just as predicted.

According to my e-mail after the last newsletter, the main reason people weren't watching the Dilbert TV show was because of its time slot. Some people couldn't find it, others weren't home early enough, many people didn't know it moved to a new night. But the biggest problem by far was that it aired opposite "Buffy The Vampire Slayer." Unbeknownst to me or anyone at UPN, there's a huge overlap between Buffy fans and Dilbert fans.

Here's the coincidence part. UPN just decided to change its Tuesday schedule to accommodate a new one-hour show about daredevils called "I Dare You." That show fits best at 8:00 p.m. Eastern and bumps Dilbert to 9:30 p.m., out of Buffy's crosshairs (beginning Jan.18th, not immediately). That's late enough for you hard-working, hard-schooling people to get home, eat dinner and still watch Dilbert. Our competition in the new time slot can best be described as "miscellaneous."

I classify this schedule change as a "lucky" coincidence because: A) It's exactly what was needed, B) No one knew it was needed until it was already decided, C) It wasn't based on effort or skill, and D) There were so many other ways it could have gone. If the new show had not been an hour long, or if it fit better on another night, or if the other UPN shows on Tuesday had higher ratings, the change wouldn't have happened. None of those things have anything to do with the Dilbert show or my efforts to promote it.

The Dilbert show's move to a new time in January is exactly the coincidence we needed to have a legitimate shot at a 7 share. The schedule change isn't effective until January 18th, so we'll still get crushed for a few more weeks, but after that, I like our chances.

If you're writing or thinking the 7 share goal, please keep doing it when you're otherwise bored at work or at school. We're only a few coincidences away from success. It should all come together on January 18th with the new time slot.

Here's the upcoming schedule for viewers in the U.S. (Apologies to DNRC members around the globe for my harping on this topic.)

Episode	Date	Time
--------	-----	----
The Dupey	12/7	8:30 PM Eastern/7:30 Central
Elbonian Trip (R)	12/14	8:30 PM Eastern/7:30 Central
Y2K (R)	12/21	8:30 PM Eastern/7:30 Central
To be announced	1/18	9:30 PM Eastern/8:30 Central

 
Dogbert Answers My Mail
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In this section, Dogbert answers my mail. These are based on real e-mail messages to me. The names are changed to make them funnier.

Dear Mr. Adams,
What is up with that last newsletter? It wasn't even funny. It seemed more like a pathetic commercial for your TV show.

Andrew

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Dear Androol,
You're so smart, you must have been bitten by a radioactive owl. Mr. Adams promises that the next newsletter will be devoted entirely to your personal needs. He has also agreed to change the names of the Dilbert characters to match members of your family. He hopes that will make it more relevant to you. To compensate you for the inconvenience of the last newsletter, Mr. Adams will lower the cost of your subscription from zero to zero.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

---

Dear Mr. Adams,
I am a junior at ULM and in one of my classes we are making a web page. My group topic is Self-Esteem and I was wondering if Dilbert's comic strip had any funny messages about building self-esteem in school-age children? If you do, can you please send me something or direct me somewhere to get this. Thanks a bunch!

Nadia

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Dear Nada,
Yes, there are many Dilbert comics on self-esteem. I'll give them to you if you crawl over here and beg for them while I balance a donut on your nose.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

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Hi,
I have been a fan of yours and have enjoyed you in many movies. I was wondering if you would not mind filling a small request. Can you send me an autograph of you? It would mean a lot. My address is below. THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS.

Raymond

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Dear Rainman,
Mr. Adams will be happy to send you a signed photograph that is suitable either for framing or worshiping as a pagan idol. I hope the other four hundred celebrities you spammed for an autograph are as honored by your request as Mr. Adams is. If they forget to respond to your first message, I recommend a program of aggressive stalking.

Sincerely,
Dogbert

 
True Tales Of Induhviduals
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Those Induhviduals continue to amaze and amuse us. Here are the newest reports from DNRC operatives in the field:

 
True Tale 1
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I used to work with a woman named Anne. One morning she announced she got a cat over the weekend. I asked what she named the cat, and she said, without the slightest hint of self-consciousness, "Anne."

I asked her, "When the phone rings and someone asks for Anne, how will you know if it's for you or your cat?"

 
True Tale 2
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A couple of Christmases ago I was in line at the post office when I overheard a woman at the window ask for a book of stamps. The teller asked which ones she wanted, and she replied "Oh, the Madonna and child ones." The woman in line in front of me rolled her eyes and said "My God, she's on a STAMP now?!?!"

 
True Tale 3
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While interviewing for a position with a large technical consulting firm the Human Resources person asked why I had left my last position. My reply was that my employer insisted I become a full-time COBOL programmer.

Her next question was, "So, you don't like to learn new things?"

 
True Tale 4
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I went into the Department of Motor Vehicles to obtain the title and license plates for my new truck. After spending five minutes typing all my personal information into a computer, the DMV clerk pulled out a huge book to look up the excise tax for the vehicle. I mentioned that, since she had a networked computer, it would seem more efficient to just enter the information in the computer and have it look up the tax rather than create, print, and distribute such a large book. She looked at me in that serious, governmental clerk manner and said, "They can't do that. The information changes too quickly."

 
True Tale 5
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I was summoned to investigate a technical problem. The user tells me that her keyboard isn't working and suggests that someone may have switched keyboards with her. She didn't remember her keyboard having a stain on it. Having overheard this conversation, the Induhvidual in the next cubicle stands up and says that he switched the keyboards but didn't realize that moving it from one desk to another would stop it from working. I asked him why he switched the keyboards, to which he replied, "Because I spilled water on it."

 
True Tale 6
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I wanted some photos developed quickly. So I went to a company that offers two processing options: a cheap overnight service, and a more expensive one-hour service. I asked for the one-hour service. The response was, "Sorry, we can't do that at the moment. If you want one-hour processing, you'll have to come back tomorrow."

 
True Tale 7
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Recently, as a result of poor planning, I needed some same-day dry cleaning. I remembered seeing a dry cleaning store with a huge sign, "1-Hour Dry Cleaners." I drove far out of my way to find that store and get my dry cleaning done in one hour. After filling out the tag, I told the lady, "I need that in an hour." She said, "I can't get this back to you until Thursday." I said, "I thought you did dry cleaning in an hour?!" She said, "No. That's just the name of the store."

 
True Tale 8
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On a recent warm summer day, my wife and I were at a hardware store where there was a clearance sale on wall thermometers. The thermometers were all heaped into a large box. An Induhvidual approached the display, saw all of the thermometers sitting there, and turned to her boyfriend and asked, "Do they all read 80 until you get them home?"

 
True Tale 9
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My employer was having a blood drive. The employees were offered an afternoon off if they gave blood. One employee named Jose was squeamish about it, but decided to do it anyway. He lay down on the table and when he saw the nurse coming over to put the needle in his arm he panicked. Just as he was considering backing out, he looked at the next table over and saw a co-worker named Ed lying there calmly with the tube stuck out of his arm. Jose was inspired by how easy it seemed for Ed and how relaxed he was. Jose decided that if Ed could do it so easily, he could do it too and so he gave the blood. When he was almost done, a nurse went over to Ed and used smelling salts to wake him up. Apparently Ed had been passed out the entire time.

 
True Tale 10
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One of my supervisors was telling me that she likes to keep some extra cash around the house for emergencies. To keep it safe, she puts it in her jewelry box. I told her that it was the worst place to keep money. A jewelry box was the first place a thief would look. She looked at me as if I was an idiot and said, " I don't keep it in the box with my GOOD jewelry."

 
True Tale 11
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I purchased a soft drink from a football game concession stand. As I was walking back to my seat, I took a sip from the cup and realized that I had been given the wrong drink. I returned to the concession stand to exchange the beverage, explaining that I had ordered Diet Pepsi but was mistakenly given regular Pepsi. The Induhvidual looked at the original cup of Pepsi and asked "Did you drink any of this?" (Presumably he hoped to re-sell it to someone else.)

I said, "No, I used my x-ray vision to determine that it was not Diet Pepsi!"

 
Embarrassing Incident
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This true report from a DNRC operative isn't the usual fare for the Dilbert Newsletter but I thought it was funny:

I was standing in line the other day at the local grocery story behind a small boy, his mother, and a rather LARGE woman. The LARGE woman's beeper went off. The child reacted by saying, "Look out mom, she's going to back up!"

 
Special Holiday Story
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In the tradition of the Dilbert Newsletter, I give you a special holiday story with no humor content whatsoever.

It was one of those cold winter nights in the Haight district of San Francisco, the kind where the rain hurts, and your breath forms huge cotton balls that bounce on the pavement. I was driving an eyesore that could only be referred to as a "car" by someone who was either a shameless liar or a good friend. Technically, the vehicle was totalled when I bought it from an unscrupulous neighbor, because it needed an engine overhaul that would have cost more than the car itself. I added a quart of oil before every journey. Most of it would leak out along the way. I tried to imagine I was driving a huge magical snail; that way I didn't mind the slow speeds and the slime trail it left.

The car's outer paint had transformed into a hideous mixture of rust and "something brown." The engine sounded like a lawnmower with tuberculosis. If anyone ever wondered what the inside of an automobile seat looked like, my car had the answers.

It was a difficult car to drive because you had to keep your fingers and toes crossed to keep the engine running. That night I must have uncrossed my fingers to scratch something. The car died in the middle of a four-lane stretch of Oak Street. I coasted as far as I could, hoping for a place to turn off, but the street was lined with parked cars and the nearest intersection was beyond coasting distance. There I sat, in busy evening traffic, no lights, no locomotion, as tons of steel and plastic screamed by.

In my rearview mirror I saw a pair of headlights pull up and stop behind me. I knew what was coming. Soon the horn would start and someone would be cursing at me. In San Francisco, if you dawdle too long after a light turns green, you get the horn. If you dare to come to a full stop at a stop sign, you get the horn from the car behind you. I figured I was begging for trouble.

But I was wrong.

A stranger got out of the car and came to my window. He shouted, "Do you want a push?" I was stunned but must have nodded in the affirmative. He waved to his car and two teens piled out to apply themselves to my bumper. When I was safely delivered to a side street, they hopped back into their car and rejoined the sea of anonymous traffic. I didn't get to thank them.

Over the years I've realized something about the stranger who stopped to help. I've noticed that every time I'm in trouble, he appears. He never looks the same. Sometimes he's a woman. His age and ethnicity vary. But he's always there. I've started to understand he's the best part of what makes us human beings. The one true thing in this world is an unasked kindness provided by a stranger. It's the invisible cord that binds us all together and makes life worthwhile.

This year, when you find yourself immersed in the clutter and bustle of the holiday season, annoyed by the long lines, baffled about how you'll get everything done, remember this: One of the people in that crowd is the stranger. Today, maybe it's you.

Have a great holiday season, everyone.

 
Scott Adams

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LAST EXCLUSIVE DNRC-ONLY OFFER OF 1999
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Now through December 12th, choose either a free DNRC embroidered denim shirt or a free black DNRC polo shirt when you spend $35 or more in The Dilbert Store. (This offer is limited to one DNRC bonus per order, but regular Dilbert Store freebies will be added if the order amount qualifies for them.)

This DNRC offer will not be announced in the Dilbert Store. To get it, you need to follow this DNRC-only link:

http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/dnrcspecial.htx

 
Now you can wrap your gifts in a red Dilbert Gift Tin! Here are some gift suggestions:

Character-shaped Breath Mints in collectible tins
Dogbert Ignore Y2K T-shirts
Dogbert "You're Next on my list of things to Ignore" cap
Dilbert & Dogbert pen & pencil set

 
How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter
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You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send a blank e-mail to dilbert-text-on@list.unitedmedia.com.

 
Unsubscribing
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Problems Signing up for the Newsletter
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If the automatic method doesn't work for you, simply send a message to newsletter@unitedmedia.com specifying your e-mail (or snail mail) address and you will be added manually. This method is much slower than the automatic method so please be patient.

 
Scott Adams
scottadams@aol.com