Dogbert's New Ruling Class has grown to 210,000 members, each one with brains so big they only fit in our incredibly sexy skulls because they are folded many times. Dogbert Miracles ----------------

People often write to tell me of miracles performed by Dogbert. Here's just one example.

Dear Scott,

One day I was having problems with my internet connection. I tried everything to fix it, but nothing had an effect. Eventually I put Dogbert on top of the computer and went to bed. The next day, every single problem had been miraculously remedied!

I would like to know if Dogbert can fix other problems, because I have other things that need fixing around the house. Thank you.

--- end of message --

I'll answer that question here, since many of you are wondering the same thing.

Yes, Dogbert can miraculously solve many problems in your life. For example, if you know an Induhvidual who is in a bad relationship, suggest he glue a Dogbert doll to the top of his head and keep it there for a few weeks. Before you know it, the Induhvidual will find himself free and single again.

If you live in a cold region, Dogbert can help your car get traction when you're stuck in the snow. Simply tell an Induhvidual that there is a free Dogbert doll under your car. When the Induhvidual tries to find Dogbert, and accidentally comes in contact with your back wheel, jump in the car and floor it. (Tip: For best results choose an Induhvidual with a wool jacket.)

If you have a boss who talks with his mouth full, suggest that he keep a Dogbert doll on his shoulder. It won't help with the open-mouth chewing, but at least you'll have something pleasant to look at when he's talking.

If you're a parent who worries that your Induhvidual teenage daughter might get pregnant, Dogbert can help there too. You might have heard of school programs where students are asked to carry an egg with them everywhere for a week, thus simulating the rigors of parenthood. You can improve on this exercise by having your daughter pretend Dogbert is the father of the child, thus providing an explanation for why the baby is shaped like an egg. Dogbert will play his part as the deadbeat dad, providing no support whatsoever. In fact, he might even try to talk your daughter's girlfriends into having an egg with him too. DNRC Crime Tip --------------

This report from a DNRC member proves that criminals are getting smarter every day:

"After vacationing in New Jersey, my family and I decided to spend a day in Atlantic City. We parked at the Tropicana Casino. While inside, someone smashed the window to our car and stole two Dilbert books, while leaving two CD players and $300 worth of CDs."

-- End Of Report --

This report suggests a way to protect yourself in a high crime area. Always carry a few extra Dilbert books in your backpack, briefcase or purse. If gang members surround you, take out the Dilbert books, throw them in one direction and run in the other. The gang will scurry after the Dilbert books, possibly killing each other in the process, while you make your getaway. Is Your Company Doomed?-----------------------

Have you checked lately to see if your company blocks access to the Dilbert web site at http://www.dilbert.com? Dilbert is often banned under the theory that it is the only thing preventing morale from soaring. Induhviduals And Zippergate ---------------------------

Lately I have been subjected to many Induhvidual opinions about Zippergate. Rather than respond to them as they happen, which would require me to yell at my television set, thereby scaring all of my other appliances, I will address these curious viewpoints here.

Note: I have no strong opinion of what should happen to the President. I'm just amused by it all.

Induhvidual Opinion #1 -- It's about lies, not sex

Some Induhviduals say it's not the sex, it's the lying that's the real problem. But it's not a general kind of lying that's the problem, it's specifically the President's unwillingness to share details of his sex life with every human being in the world. By that standard, only Geraldo Rivera and Dennis Rodman could qualify to be President.

If lying is so damnable, let's say we decide to impeach every politician who lies to the American people. They'd be dropping like flies. I forget how the chain of command works, but I think that after the President and the Vice President, you have the Speaker of The House, and then members of the cabinet, and on from there. It would take about two months before a near-sighted postal clerk has the nuclear launch codes.

When the politicians who vote on impeachment tell us they will be non-political, asking us to believe they will ignore the fact that Al Gore could become president, do you think they are telling the truth? And if they aren't, shouldn't we impeach them too?

Induhvidual Opinion #2 -- How Can Clinton Govern Now?

I have this image in my head of Yasser Arafat visiting the White House. Clinton offers him a Presidential cigar and Arafat says, "If you don't mind, could I have one that is still in the original wrapper?" This ugly incident turns into a towel fight and triggers World War Three.

That's the best scenario I could come up with in which the President's ability to govern is affected by Zippergate.

I guess there's one other possibility. Suppose Congress passes some legislation and it comes to Clinton's desk for signature, but Hillary has broken both of his arms. That might slow him down. But he could still grip a pen in his teeth and sign the bill into law. And if Hillary punched out his teeth too, all you really needs is a bottle of dipping ink and a cute intern to improvise a solution. It wouldn't be the photo opportunity we're used to, but at this point, nothing seems too shocking.

Let's say the President is less able to push his agenda in Congress now, because no one wants to be his friend . I keep asking myself how my life will be different, compared to the dynamic leadership we expect from a second term minority party president. So far, I'm stumped.

Induhvidual Opinion #3 -- Any CEO would be fired

The pundits keep saying that any CEO who has an affair with an employee would be fired. But on my planet, Earth, CEOs routinely boff the staff, literally and figuratively, and I know of no example where any CEO ever got fired for anything except falling stock prices or accounting irregularities. Who started the rumor that CEOs get fired for bedding their underlings? Didn't Bill Gates marry one of his employees?

Induhvidual Opinion #4 -- You Can't Do That In The Military

Pundits point out that the President would be kicked out of the military for his behavior, if in fact he were in the military. We can extend this brilliant analysis to see how he would be treated by other organizations to which he does not belong.

For example, I also believe he would be kicked out of the Girl Scouts for his behavior. That sort of activity is very disruptive to the meetings. And I don't think you can participate in the Big Sister program with that on your record either. I also believe he would be fired as editor of Cigar Aficionado magazine if he worked there, which he doesn't.

Induhvidual Opinion #5 -- We can't help thinking about it

Some people say Clinton can't be effective because every time we look at him we'll be grossed out thinking of his sex life. Personally, I already have that problem with most politicians, not to mention many of my friends, and my entire extended family. In fact, the only politician I can imagine having sex, without wincing, is Al Gore, and that's only because I assume he does it fully clothed.

Induhvidual Opinion # 6 -- Not In The Oval Office!

Some people are incensed because the dirty deeds happened in the White House. This implies that some other location wouldn't have been so bad. So I'm wondering, where **is** the best place for the President to do that sort of thing? Would a State Park be okay, or is that still government land? How about the French Embassy? That's technically foreign soil, and they probably have a cot in the back for just that kind of situation.

Induhvidual Opinion #7 -- We Wasted 40 Million Dollars!

Sure, it was expensive, but I feel I got my money's worth. I figure my share was about eighty cents, and I've been entertained for months. Compare that to the seven bucks I paid to see the Godzilla movie and I think you€ll agree it's a bargain.

And consider the positive impact on the media. It was a slow news year. If the media had gone one more week without an interesting story, they would have had to kill another member of the British royal family just to fill airtime. No one wants that.

Induhvidual Opinion #8 -- It's Sexual Harassment

Some say that because Monica was a White House employee, and Clinton had power to influence her career, it is sexual harassment by definition.

I suppose it's possible that Monica thought she would get a cabinet job after her internship was over, or possibly become ambassador to Great Britain. And I suppose it's possible that Monica was afraid of being demoted from her lucrative intern job. So I guess that's the best point I've heard so far.

Read This Before Flaming Me For My Opinions
My Political Opinions?---------------------------

Many people have mistaken my jokes about Zippergate for actual opinions. As I have said many times, I would never express my complete and unvarnished opinions about anything important. I would surely be killed if anyone knew what was really happening inside my head.

According to my flaming e-mail, the Zippergate jokes seemed like opinions because of the things I did NOT address, such as the legal and moral implications of adultery and lying under oath. That made it seem like I was presenting an unbalanced political opinion.

For the record, I ignored the legal and moral issues because they are matters of fact, on which virtually all citizens agree. (He lied under oath. He was immoral. The evidence for other crimes is ambiguous.) People have legitimate differences in opinion on how important the facts are, and what to do next. But that's not funny. It's hard to make jokes on topics where everyone has the correct information and has formed a rational opinion.

Instead, I chose to mock the opinions I've heard that are based on wrong assumptions, or are simply not relevant to the main issues. As citizens we are, in effect, managing the government by our collective opinions. And bad management deserves mocking in any context. I think it's fair to weed out the silly arguments about Zippergate. What you do with the remainder is up to you. Don't think you have my advice on the subject. True Tales Of Induhviduals --------------------------

Those Induhviduals continue to amaze and amuse. Here are some more allegedly true stories from DNRC operatives.

Tale

During a field training exercise at Fort Bragg, one of my Induhvidualistic cow-orkers was ordered by his boss to walk in the dark to the aviation unit about a half-mile down the road. The Induhvidual asked his boss if he could drive the Humvee because he did not feel like walking.

His boss said no, because someone has to walk in front of the Humvee to "guide" it with a dim light, because in a tactical situation (like one where we would face an enemy) we of course can not use our headlights at night. The Induhvidual - revealing his true nature - then offered to solve this problem by volunteering to be the one who walks in front of the Humvee.

Tale

I was leaving my phone number for a receptionist to pass on to someone else. I started with my area code 612, then remembered that our area code changes on Sunday. I said, "No, wait, make that 651. Our area code changes on Sunday." To which she responded, "Every Sunday?" Risk Of DNRC Membership -----------------------

After the last newsletter, I got this criticism from a concerned member of the DNRC:

Dear Mr. Adams,

I've been in the DNRC for years and I really enjoyed the "Are you an Induhvidual" test. But, I thought the True Tales Of Induhviduals to be...well off-putting. As I was reading them I was thinking of my teenage stepson. He loves your newsletters -- he is very bright -- but he is constantly putting people down because of their inferior intellect, and your newsletter no doubt fueled his arrogance.

I know it's not your job to teach my son humility, but frankly I've never thought the True Tales Of Induhviduals to be very funny. I'd rather see a short newsletter than another like the last.

Respectfully,

[name withheld]

-- End Of Message --

While I agree it is not my job to teach humility to children, I'm sure I'd be GREAT at it. In fact, I might be the best teacher of humility in the entire world!! Let the lesson begin:

First, kids, remember that if you really ARE a worthless leech on society, it will only make things worse if you tell people about it. So the only kind of humility worth having is the kind that's completely false and out of keeping with the actual genius and sex appeal that is yours by virtue of being in the DNRC. If you have any actual worth as a human being, you must learn to speak of yourself in degrading and dishonest terms. People will like you better that way.

For example, let's say you won the Nobel Prize for coming up with the cure for cancer while simultaneously developing a source of unlimited free energy. When you accept the prize, you would be tempted to say...

"KNEEL BEFORE MY UNSURPASSED BRILLIANCE! TO ME, ALL OF YOU ARE NOTHING BUT LIVESTOCK IN CLOTHES!"

That would be considered arrogant and impolite. The polite approach is to express false humility, i.e., to lie about yourself in a most obvious fashion. For example, you might say...

"I am humbled by this award. Clearly I do not deserve it. I am unattractive and incredibly stupid. Sometimes I smell bad. This was nothing but luck."

If you lie to people about your obvious talents, they will love and admire you for being dishonest with them. I don't know why this works, but it does. And it's an important lesson to all the younger members of the DNRC. Kids, until the day that Dogbert conquers the planet and makes all Induhviduals our personal servants, try to follow these guidelines to stay out of trouble:

- Don't make fun of Induhviduals unless you have your own newsletter.

- Learn to manipulate adults by acting very polite even though you are a weasel. New Dilbert Books-----------------

New in September, my hardcover book, The Joy Of Work. It's similar in format to The Dilbert Principle (new writing about the workplace, plus a sprinkling of relevant Dilbert strips). This one focuses on how to take advantage of the strong labor market and create workplace happiness for yourself at the expense of your boss, co-workers, and those lazy stockholders who have never done anything for you. Specifically, you will learn how to...

• Manage your boss before he tries to turn the tables and manage you;
• Give yourself a stealth raise;
• Convert your cubicle into a utopian playland;
• Avoid work by pretending to be "creative";
• Prevent your brain from burrowing out of your skull during meetings;
• Entertain yourself at the expense of your co-workers.

I'll also teach you my Dilbertian secrets for creativity and humor. No matter how boring you are, these tips and tricks will make you seem to be more interesting. Dilbert Book Signing Info-------------------------

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, I'll be signing my new book, The Joy Of Work, at Stacey's Cafe in Pleasanton, California, at 310 Main St. on Monday, October 19th, from 5 - 8 PM. Books will be provided by Towne Center Books of Pleasanton. From highway 680, take the Bernal exit, East on Bernal, left on Main St.

I'm co-owner of the Stacey's Cafe. That's why it's there. Dilbert Product Information---------------------------

If you'd like information on what kinds of Dilbert-related products you can get, send an e-mail message in the following format:

Address: Dilbert_Products@listserv.unitedmedia.com
Subject Line: Products
Message: Products

You won't be put on any additional mailing lists if you do that. You'll receive an e-mail listing the licensee for each Dilbert product, with phone numbers to call if you need more information. The number of products just got too long to include in the newsletter.

Or check out the Dilbert Zone Web site: http://www.dilbert.com

You can order selected Dilbert products directly from The Dilbert Store: http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/ New products include Dilbert, Dogbert and Catbert, Ratbert and The Boss 20 oz. mugs.
Click her to order mugs.

Also check your local bookstores, and office and computer supply stores. How to Subscribe Automatically------------------------------