You may have seen a recent article in the Chicago Tribune that discussed a link between cynicism and heart disease. The headline was this:

CYNICISM KILLS: 'Dilbert'-like attitudes found to increase illness.

The inference is that the Dilbert cartoon is killing people. I haven't reviewed the science, but I assume they did a controlled study using The Family Circus as the placebo. And since this is obviously not the kind of study that can be performed on humans, for ethical reasons, I'm guessing they used either monkeys or car salesmen.

For discussion, let's say it was monkeys.

I have this image in my mind of two groups of monkeys -- one group reading Dilbert and the other group reading Family Circus. The Dilbert-reading monkeys clutch their chests and fall dead. The Family Circus monkeys show no change except an increased glucose reading.

If cynicism is unhealthy, then logically the opposite of cynicism -- gullibility -- is good for your health. For example, look at the non-cynical Heaven's Gate people. They are now living in perfect health in a spaceship behind a comet.

Key learning: Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

Urban Legend Alert

After the last Dilbert Newsletter, many members of DNRC wrote to tell me I had been duped into reprinting an urban legend. The story involved a clueless American tourist visiting Windsor castle. Annoyed by noisy jets from nearby Gatwick International Airport, the alleged tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport???"

One problem with this story -- aside from the fact that it never happened -- is that Windsor Castle is not near Gatwick International Airport. Since my only international experience involves eating English Muffins, that fact was not obvious to me.

Actually, in the interest of full disclosure, I have been to Canada, which many people consider a separate country from the United States. But now I'm fairly sure that the whole "Canada thing" is an urban legend too. Ouch...I just got a chest pain.

DNRC Prank Report

Prank report from a contract employee:

At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it in the refrigerator with a sign that said "Do not remove."

It stayed there for the final three weeks of my contract. I actually witnessed Induhviduals taking it out, using it and putting it back.

[Editor's Note: A variation of this theme would be a sign on the soap that says, "Do not use with water."]

Correction

Contrary to what you might have read in a previous Dilbert Newsletter, computer experts tell me it is not a good idea to turn your PC sideways to make it look like a tower configuration. That goes double for the monitor. But it's still okay to turn your modem sideways -- creating a tower modem -- to impress your dimwitted friends.

Dogbert Answers My Mail

In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to answer myself.

Dear Mr. Adams,

I read a book written by Norman Solomon called "The Trouble With Dilbert." He has a theory that you're doing this whole Dilbert thing to make money, not to better the lives of the working class. Tell me it isn't true!

Morton

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Dear Moron,

Mr. Adams is saddened that anyone would accuse him of trying to make money as a famous cartoonist when he could just as easily opt to be a wretched bum. It seems immoral. I cannot defend Mr. Adams in this free newsletter, but he assures me he will dedicate a whole chapter to an apology in his next hardcover book.

Dogbert

My Acting Career

In the past year I've appeared in tiny parts on the TV shows News Radio and Babylon 5. DNRC Saint Diana suggests some other shows that might want me to play a bit part.

Friends - I go on a date with Monica, but she gets weirded out when she discovers that my dog has matching glasses.

Voyager - I help Captain Janeway defeat the Borg by encouraging them to assimilate an ISO9000 coordinator, thereby causing the cessation of all productive activity among the collective.

Seinfeld - The cast debates the question of whether Dilbert has a mouth. This leads to an increase in parsley consumption and ultimately to nuclear winter. Later they all have dates with mutants. I marry Kramer.

True Tales of Induhviduals

Because you can't get enough of those whacky Induhviduals (the people who are not members of the DNRC), here are more True Tales as reported by DNRC operatives.

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A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. The presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.

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A report from a 9th grader:

Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.

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When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to convince one Induhvidual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.

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While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"

She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

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The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

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My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each.

An Induhvidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"

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I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name, so I said, "I think her name is 'Zora.'"

The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have anybody here by that name." I said, "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with."

She checked and said, "Oh, your appointment is with 'Zoya.'"

So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway???

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I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

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A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I replied, "That ID is a few years old."

He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.

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At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.

This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.

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At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly.

The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.

He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.

[Editor: I'll bet she was Thor.]

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Dilbert books aren't for everyone. Here's an actual book review from a customer, as written on an online bookseller's web site. It's about an older Dilbert reprint book titled, "Shave The Whales." I've kept the typos.

Rating=2:

The autor of 'Save the whales' must be a very sick old fool. In a book about whales you shouldn't tell the people how much fun it is to shoot a whale from a fun cruiser. So my opinion is that you should buy this book if you are sadistic and like to pollute the ocean with dead whales that floot. But Saddam could learn something of this writer because the mind of this writer is absolutely more screwed up."

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I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

[Editor's note: Don't get your medical advice from the Dilbert Newsletter. I suspect it's not always okay to eat ants, no matter how tasty they look.]

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There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations:

"If it's in stock, we've got it!"

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The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.

Free Sodas For DNRC Members

This report from the field describes how to get free sodas from Induhviduals.

Dear Scott,

Apparently, Induhviduals think I'm so cute and sexy that they like to buy me sodas. The way they indicate I have a free soda waiting is by putting a 'This machine owes me...' sign on the machine. This is my signal to push one of the buttons that is NOT lit up, and ta-da...another generous gift from a cow-orker Induhvidual.

Holiday Story

I like to get serious once a year in the Dilbert Newsletter. Here's a true story.

I was seventeen, working as a bellhop at the Sugar Maples resort in the Catskill Mountains. Most of the guests were regulars. Families had been coming on the same week each summer for generations. Many of the employees were regulars too, so we knew a lot of the guests by sight. Some we knew by name. Others by reputation.

The guests arrived on Saturday to stay the week. The bellhops lined up, ready to carry bags and earn the standard one-dollar tip. Sometimes it was fifty cents. If we got lucky, two dollars. But this week was special.

This was the week the Fish Man was scheduled to arrive.

We didn't know his real name. According to legend, the Fish Man made a fortune in some sort of fish-related business. He was a self-made man, the story went. But more importantly, he was a twenty-dollar tipper.

No other tipper was in his league. The Fish Man stood alone.

There were five bellhops and only one Fish Man per year. If it was your turn in line, it was like winning a small lottery. Tradition dictated that when you returned from carrying the Fish Man's bags, you flashed your twenty and laughed above the groans of your hapless co-workers. The closing ceremony was half of the fun.

That summer, I got the Fish Man. He was a big man, bright red hair, easy smile, and an ample belly. He wore hideous vacation shirts and shorts. I don't remember much about his family; they weren't the source of my tip.

I didn't talk to the Fish Man much -- just the usual bellhop-to-guest patter. None of his bags were unusually heavy, so I didn't use my best bellhop line, "Did you bring your rock collection?" No matter. The tip was predetermined. When the Fish Man's wallet came out, it seemed like slow motion. It was a field of green. He plucked a twenty from the pile, smiled, and said, "Thanks." There was no explanation for the huge overtip.

I glided back to the main office, eager to complete the ceremony. The bellhops groaned on cue. I think someone threw something at me.

Soon the money was spent. Twenty dollars didn't have any real financial impact on me. But I never forgot the Fish Man. It was a mystery. The whole point of tipping was lost at the twenty dollar level. There was something else going on. It was as if he was posing a riddle:

"Why did I give you so much money?"

I worked on the riddle for years. Sometimes I thought I had the answer, but the solution changed depending on my perspective. As a teenager, I thought the Fish Man was showing off. When I became a banker, I thought the Fish Man was making a wise investment to improve the service during his stay. When I worked for the phone company I thought the Fish Man was feeling guilty for having a virtual monopoly on money.

Lately, my perspective has changed again, and so too the answer to the riddle. I am the same age as the Fish Man now. And I've had the same luck that he had financially. I can see myself at seventeen the way he saw me: naive, full of energy and ambition, no clue where the trail begins or where it leads, and no idea how much of my soul I'd have to pay for the trip.

If he had offered his old-man advice, I wouldn't have listened to it. But his twenty-dollar tip was the a message that couldn't be filtered out by my seventeen year old brain. It drifted past my hormonal sentinels and landed like a whisper somewhere deep in my unconscious. The Fish Man had already taken the journey that was ahead of me. Maybe he was just going back to light the path.

I would tell you the solution to the Fish Man's riddle, but it doesn't work that way. I'm sure all the bellhops from the Sugar Maples have found different answers by now. The one thing I can say for sure is that the Fish Man got his money's worth from me.

You probably know someone who would benefit from your advice but won't listen to it. Maybe this holiday season would be a good time to save your words of wisdom and just be the Fish Man. Do something nice for someone who hasn't done anything to earn it. In the long run, people find their own advice.

Happy Holidays, everyone. Thanks for making this a great year for me.

Scott Adams

Dilbert Product Information

New in software stores: Dilbert's Desktop Games from DreamWorks Interactive. And for kids, look for Young Dilbert's Hi Tech Hijinks from KnowWonder. Young Dilbert is the new technology spokeskid.

If you'd like information on any other Dilbert-related products that are available, send an e-mail message in the following format:

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You won't be put on any additional mailing lists if you do that. You'll receive an e-mail listing the licensee for each Dilbert product, with phone numbers to call if you need more information.

Or check out The Dilbert Zone Web site.

You can order selected Dilbert products directly from the United Media Online Store. Also check your local bookstores, and office and computer supply stores.

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