Since the inception of the DNRC in 1994, the economy of the world has surged to record levels of employment and productivity. There have been no major wars. Inflation has come under control, and the budget of the United States has been balanced.

That's a pretty good record, considering all we did was read e-mail and make fun of stupid people. I'm proud of each and every one of you.

You might ask, what's left for us to accomplish? Will we get bored?

Don't worry. I'm creating new worldwide problems every day. Case in point, this recent headline:

San Jose Mercury News, Sunday, August 10, 1997

"Dread of Dilbert discourages [technical] majors. Nobody wants to be a nerd -- not even bright students."

This is not just a case of some reporter who gets paid by the word. No, this is an important problem and it's my fault. I accept full responsibility.

But I've done far worse. According to several articles published recently, plus a new book due out this fall, the Dilbert comic is a "safety valve" that causes employees to meekly accept mistreatment on the job. (This is in stark contrast to the bloody cubicle rebellion that was happening prior to the Dilbert comic.)

Maybe you have also noticed that the most popular design for men's neckties lately is the wide red and black stripe design. President Clinton wears one often. Coincidence?

Apparently I'm well on the way to destroying the education, technology, economy and fashion of the planet. I do this so the DNRC will have new challenges. Now go to it! DNRC Tip For The Day

When some people see the word "coworker" they think it means the same as "co-worker." But it doesn't. Coworker is from the Olde English expression, "cow orker," as in the following sentence that is best read with a cockney accent, "I ain't workin' with 'im! He's a bloody cow orker!" True Stories From Induhviduals

Because you can't get enough of those whacky Induhviduals (the people who are not members of the DNRC), here are more True Tales as reported by DNRC operatives.

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I was visiting Windsor castle, outside of London, on vacation. Windsor castle is directly in the flight path of Gatwick International Airport. While standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.One particularly annoyed American tourist Induhvidual standing next to me whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport???"

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I pulled into the burger king driveup window and placed my order. Remembering that I wanted to get some extra coins for the coffee machine at work, I handed the guy $6.00 for my $4.25 bill and said, "Could I get some extra change?"

He looks at me, blankly. A full five seconds pass while he is trying to figure it out. "Oh yeah, ok." He says, "Quarters fine?" "Yeah, sure" I tell him. He then gives me my food and seven quarters...plus a dollar...and three more quarters.

I guess when the customer asks for extra change he gets it!

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I walked up to the counter at a chain fried chicken joint and asked the cashier-Induhvidual for a soda and a piece of chicken.

"Crispy or regular," she asked.

"I don't care. Either will be fine," I replied.

"Crispy or regular," she asked again, annoyed.

"...Ahh, Crispy then," I responded.

"We are out of crispy," she said.

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A couple of years ago, when I worked at a large company, our "sexual harassment training" included a company letter that stated "Don't treat a female engineer like a secretary." Needless to say, the secretaries were not amused.

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I was helping a friend (yes I admit it, I have an Induhvidual for a friend) set up her new computer. It was a desktop model, so I naturally placed it on top of her desk in the traditional setup. A few minutes after I had installed the software, she complained that she wished she had bought a tower pc instead of the desktop computer as it took up too much space on her desk. I promptly took the computer off the desk, flipped it on its side and placed it on the floor. She then looked at me in amazement and asked,"You can do that?"

(Editor's Note: An easy way to make some extra money is by offering to upgrade Induhvidual's desktop computers to tower configurations.)

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(Name changed to protect the guilty person in this true tale) I had just started work in a laboratory. I frequently ran across news items that I would pass along to our supervisor. I would write across the top: "Tina, FYI."

After about two weeks, Tina walked in and said "Are you mad at me?" I said "no, why?"

She said, "Well, you keep sending me these rude notes. Everything I get from you says 'FYI.' I KNOW what the 'FY' stands for. What does the 'I' stand for? ENORMOUSLY?"

[Editor's Note: Evidently, the "I" stands for Induhvidual.]

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This one sounds like urban legend to me, but I'll pass it on anyway.

There was a soccer professional in Germany who was offered a third of an amount of money. That didn't sound like enough, so he asked for at least a fourth, and got it. When he saw how easy it was he pushed some more and finally got a fifth!

[Editor's Note: I'll bet his wife got a fifth when she heard that, and drank it alone.]

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I walked down to the Pepsi machine. Soda is $.90 .. There were three post-its(tm) on the machine... one said "this machine owes me $.90" another "this machine owes me $.90" and last but not least "this machine owes me $1.80"......

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My friend is sitting in an introductory electromagnetism class, and the teacher is discussing the concept of the electric field, and how electric charges give rise to electric fields. So he sets up the problem by saying, "And so we take our magic wand and put a charge Q on this conductor, and a charge -Q on this conductor." He continues to explain the problem, until a couple of minutes later, one of the students blurts out "What magic wand!?"

[Editor's Note: When this student enters the workforce, I hope I meet him when I ask for "extra change."]

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I was at the library making copies of articles for a research paper and discovered that the copy machine wasn't working (after having plugged several dimes into it). I told the girl at the library desk the copy machine was malfunctioning, to which she replied, "I know".

Exasperated, I asked why she hadn't put a sign on the machine indicating it was broken so people wouldn't waste their money. Her answer was, "We don't have a sign like that".

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I'm afraid that my future sister-in-law is an Induhvidual. Borrowing a line from Steven Wright, I asked her, "When you shoot a mime, do you use a silencer?" She said smugly, "No, they can still hear." ---------

A friend was asked to be interim director of our Institute while the director was away. The following day I noticed him looking at a form with an amused look on his face. He was required by policy to sign a form to authorize the transfer of signing authority. Under each category indicating the amounts or the things he could sign for (i.e. vacations, overtime, etc.) it said NONE in each case.

He had to sign a form which would give him the authority not to authorize anything.

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I brought my film to the "One Hour Developing" place and asked for the one hour service. "No problem," said the owner, You can pick it up in two hours."

I protested, "The sign says one hour developing. "

"That's right," he said, "One hour developing takes about two hours."

[Editor's Note: Be sure to order the double-wide prints, which are the same size as the regular ones.] DNRC Prank Report

This galactic prank report comes directly from the field:

I took the QuickTime panorama of the Mars Pathfinder, reworked it into my own HTML web page (neatly entitled "Pathfinder Mission Control") and put a heading "Pathfinder Active Camera Control" above the panorama.

Soon the news travelled, from Induhvidual to Induhvidual, that I had found a way to control the camera on the Pathfinder from my computer at work. My PC was swarmed by Induhviduals each taking their turn "controlling the camera".

And another prank report...

A friend of mine works at a large insurance company as a sysadmin. He informed his boss that the boss's hard disk needed to be "balanced."

My friend gave his boss a program which writes "weight files" on carefully computed spots on the disk, so that the balanced disk will run smoother. The boss distributed the program among the employees and ordered them to regularly have their hard disks balanced. DNRC Motto

Visionary Dave Morse suggests this motto for the DNRC:

I can please only one person per day.
Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I get many complaints from people about their cow-orking co-workers who use the speakerphone function to listen to their voicemail messages everyday. This is very annoying if you are in the next cube. But I have a cure for this.

From an anonymous phone, preferably a payphone or the desk phone of a dimwitted cow-orker, leave a sexually suggestive message on the offending Induhvidual's voice mail. Do this every day until the problem abates.

The messages should be naughty enough to embarrass the person who plays it aloud, but not so naughty that you'll get fired if they find out it's you. I suggest using breathy and suggestive sentences that make oblique references to things like vegetable oil, feathers and lost wristwatches.

That oughta do it. Dogbert Answers My Mail

In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to answer myself.

Dear Mr. Adams,

After reading your 7/31/97 cartoon and sharing it with a fellow co-worker, we got into a small discussion.

The issue involves the last panel of the cartoon in which a rather large person is pictured at a copy machine. Is this large human being clearly meant to be a female? If so, I feel this could be taken as being politically incorrect for the reason that men can also have fat rear ends. However, it always seems that women are the ones pictured with the fat rear ends.

A short reply from your side to clarify the situation would be greatly appreciated.

Barb L.

Dear Bulb,

You make a good point. All the male characters in the Dilbert strip are trim and good-looking. Dilbert, Wally and the Pointy-haired boss are all Chippendale dancers on weekends.

But the female characters don't get such favorable treatment. More often than not they are depicted as gigantic creatures whose butt cheeks embrace Wally's head in an accidental embrace. Apparently this is Mr. Adams' idea of "funny."

I will talk to Mr. Adams about this obvious bias and have it corrected immediately.

Sincerely,

Dogbert Your Opinion On Next Dilbert Book

I'm looking for opinions from the wise and astonishingly attractive members of DNRC. What do you think I should focus on for the next hardcover Dilbert book?

The Dilbert Principle focused on cubicle life and bad management. Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook did the same. The newest book, The Dilbert Future, took a broader view, describing how idiots will threaten every aspect of business, technology and society in the future. Should the next book go back to a business-only focus, or would you like to see me keep a wider scope? You can best answer that by telling me your reaction to The Dilbert Future. Did you appreciate the break from office humor or did you wish there had been more of it? If you liked The Dilbert Principle but didn't read The Dilbert Future, why not?

(There's one theory that the book cover designs for The Dilbert Principle and The Dilbert Future are so similar that people think they already read The Dilbert Future.)

Send any thoughts on The Dilbert Future and suggestions for the next book to scottadams@aol.com

Thanks! Dilbert Product Information

If you'd like information on what kinds of Dilbert-related products you can get, send an e-mail message in the following format:

Address:       Dilbert_Products@listserv.unitedmedia.com

Subject Line:  Products

Message:       Products

You won't be put on any additional mailing lists if you do that. You'll receive an e-mail listing the licensee for each Dilbert product, with phone numbers to call if you need more information. The number of products just got too long to include in the newsletter.

Or check out the Dilbert Zone Web site:

www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert

You can order selected Dilbert products directly from the United Media Online Store. Also check your local bookstores, and office and computer supply stores.

You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send an e-mail message using this address and format (substituting your own name for John Doe):

Address:       listserv@listserv.unitedmedia.com

Subject line:  newsletter

Message:       subscribe Dilbert_News John Doe

Don't include any other information. Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically.

You can also subscribe on the Web by visiting The Dilbert Zone at /comics/dilbert. Go to the DNRC area to find the signup page.

Address:       listserv@listserv.unitedmedia.com

Subject line:  newsletter

Message:       unsubscribe Dilbert_News

If the automatic method doesn't work for you, simply send a message to newsletter@unitedmedia.com specifying your e-mail (or snail mail) address and you will be added manually. This method is much slower than the automatic method so please be patient.