These are perilous times for the DNRC. A few Induhviduals have somehow infiltrated the ranks of our 200,000 members. Some of those Induhviduals -- God help us -- have even learned to type. On the scale of dangerous things, this is right up there with finding out that the cat has been driving your minivan at night.

Fortunately, Induhviduals are not what you'd call masters of disguise. They are easily identified by the types of complaints they send to me. Here are some actual complaints received this month, all genuine, but edited to make them nearly intelligible:

- Your cartoon on 6/9/97 seems to advocate the teaching of critical thinking to children. That's dangerous. Children must be TOLD what is right and wrong, not taught to think! Critical thinking is exactly the sort of thing that caused the Oklahoma City bombing!

- You seem to be advocating (in The Dilbert Future) that people write down their goals. Any form of prayer that is not directed toward God can only be answered by Satan. Therefore, you are promoting Satanism!

- I see Dilbert merchandise everywhere. I'm starting to think this is nothing but some sort of giant plot to make money for you!

- I can't believe your last newsletter was nothing but a chapter from your best-selling book. I expect you to put more effort into your free newsletters!

I don't mind being called a greedy, satanic terrorist. But when someone accuses me of not putting enough effort into the free Dilbert Newsletter, they've gone too far! Those whiners have been purged from the DNRC list and banished to a life of future servitude when Dogbert conquers the world and makes all Induhviduals our personal servants.

As for the other infiltrators, I'm not too worried. Induhviduals will never decipher the hidden skip- sequence code imbedded in each Dilbert Newsletter, no matter how many hours they spend looking for it.

You might be wondering what good all the Induhviduals are to us, given their complete lack of intelligence and their non-existent sex appeal. But this harsh view completely overlooks their biggest feature: they occupy space. This alone is enough to make them valuable for a wide range of construction projects. In fact, I believe our motto should be:

Induhviduals are our most valuable asset.

Obviously, the proper way to say the motto out loud is with mock seriousness, followed by a maniacal laugh.

DNRC's own Saint Diana of Wales, has graciously provided some excellent examples of uses for Induhviduals.

- Paperweights
- Crash test dummies (they're biodegradable!)
- Chimney cleaners (many Induhviduals have "big hair")
- Alternative to "The Clapper," called "The Slapper"
- Retrieving hubcaps from medians of highways
- Taste testers for things you find on the ground
- Statues (this requires paint and plaster)
- Beta testers for bungee cords
- Jury duty

I'm a big enough man to admit when I'm wrong. In Newsletter 13.0 I said we could use Induhviduals to run back and forth to keep the air circulating nicely. But I hadn't thought this idea through, as I was reminded by this letter from an anonymous source:

"All those people running back and forth would raise the air temperature. That might be fine in the winter, but during the summer it would be counter productive. A better idea would be to suspend half of them from the ceiling and have the other half swing them. That would be much more efficient."

Induhviduals continue to amuse us. These reports are just in from DNRC operatives in the field:

A few months ago I went to a deli during my lunch break. Guess what the special was? A "bowel" of soup -- only $1.00! I asked if it was pea soup, but the conversation with the owner went downhill from there.

I work on the help desk here, and have just gotten off the phone with a customer who was asking us about her network connection. She insisted that the 3com card in her PC was not powerful enough for her needs and that she had "looked into it" and had decided she wanted a 4com card instead as they were obviously better.

This report is from a DNRC operative in a high school physics class:

Two girls working on a lab project were trying unsuccessfully to light their alcohol burner. My lab partner and I offered our assistance. One of the girls asked why her burner didn't have a "fuzzy thing" (referring to the wick) like all the others. I took it out of her hands, and removed the cap that goes on the wick during storage. She had been trying to light a piece of steel on fire for five minutes.

We were watching TV when an ad came on for "The Club" car theft prevention device. The Induhvidual in the room said, "Who would want to steal a steering wheel?"

I work in tech support. An end-user called and reported, "My computer is making a strange noise." We visited the site and identified the problem: a pager (set on vibrate) in his drawer.

[Editor's note: Later that day he called the Men's Wearhouse 800 number to report that his pants were making a strange noise.]

Our soda machine had an out-of-order sign taped over the money slot. The Induhvidual walked up, lifted the piece of paper, and inserted his dollar. He was still cursing the machine for stealing his money as I walked back to my office.

[Editor's note: Induhviduals are an excellent way to keep your "cost of goods sold" expenses low.]

One of our departments here at Microsoft ordered a new computer for one of our projects. It gets shipped with MICROSOFT in prominent letters on the shipping label. Imagine our surprise when we found a bootleg copy of Microsoft Windows preinstalled on the machine. Talk about a feat truly worthy of Induhvidualness.

My co-worker asked our new Admin Assistant to schedule a meeting with a group of people. The Admin scheduled the meeting but didn't invite the person who had asked her to set up the meeting.

[Editor's note: Hey, she's not a mind reader.]

This one's a double sighting:

I stopped off at the gas station to fill up my car. I pumped in $18.50 worth of gas and went to pay. In front of me in line was a guy (obviously from out of town) asking for directions and signing a VISA slip. When that guy left, the fun began:

	CLERK:		"Can I help you?"



	ME: 		"I'm the $18.50 charge."



	CLERK (confused): "Sorry, there's no charges on the

			computer.  But I just charged that last guy $18.50."



	ME (very pleased): "You mean that guy paid for my gas?" 



	CLERK:		"No, he was just in here asking for directions."



	ME: 		"Then why did you charge him $18.50."



	CLERK:		"Ummmm...excuse me!"

Then he ran out of the booth, but alas the other Induhvidual had left. I wonder if the other Induhvidual thinks people in my city always charge $18.50 for directions.

[Editor's Note: The lesson here is that if someone asks you for directions, ask for their credit card and charge them. You might get lucky. In fact, it's a safe bet that the Induhvidual in the story is still lost, and that's easy money for whoever runs into that person next.]

I am at a fast order restaurant at one of our local universities. I order a BLT. The Induhvidual behind the counter asked if I would like lettuce and tomato with that.

I suppose I *could* have just wanted a B.

[Editor's note: I think a BLT should be called a BLTT to include the "toast" in the recipe. That would clear up a lot of confusion.]

My wife was reading your latest newsletter and said, "individual" is spelled wrong all over this document.

[Editor's Note: It's okay to marry Induhviduals as long as you're only doing it for the laughs.]

My science class teacher was going to show us an x-ray of a man's chest. Before he placed it on the overhead projector, he cautioned us that the long white line attached to the solid white disk was NOT a yo-yo that the person had swallowed. It was a pacemaker. After the x-ray had been on the overhead a couple of seconds, the most outspoken Induhvidual in the class asked in a perplexed tone, "He swallowed a PACEMAKER?"

Our company requires us to fill out weekly time sheets and turn them in to the Executive VP (a practice going back 8+ years). It turns out he never wanted them, so he made a rule today that we need to give them directly to the VP of Development. The VP of Development does not want them. The company policy of filling out timesheets will not change in the near future. So now we are required to fill out timesheets fully, and then throw them out.

[Editor's Note: A good way to identify Induhviduals in your company is by looking for the people who do the most thorough job of recording their time.]

The sign on the front of the Taco Bell in my town says:

"We have tacos."

I went in to verify this fact for myself. It turns out that they do sell tacos, never bells. The sign was very helpful.

Here's a true story: The receptionist's intercom buzzes, and an Induhvidual's voice comes through, calling out, "hello, hello?"

But the receptionist had stepped away from her desk. Two seconds later, the buzzer sounds again, and it's the same guy, calling "hello, hello?"

Still no answer. Next thing you know, the guy comes all the way down the hall from his office, bumps into the receptionist, and tells her her intercom doesn't work.

He runs back to his office to prove it to her. "Hello, hello?"

She responds, and he excitedly comes all the way back down the hall to her desk to tell her it works now, it must be fixed! She looks at him funny, and he goes all the way back to his office, then buzzes her again, "Hello, hello?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Can you bring me that file from your desk?"

Tip: If a customs officer asks for your visa, don't say, "I have cash. Do you take that?"

In fact, most countries don't charge a cover fee. And only France has a two drink minimum.

Some of you noticed that the Dilbert comic for 7/17/97 was different depending on where you saw it. The original cartoon's punchline was offensive to some people because it included the phrase, "That might have sucked." Anticipating problems -- my editor at United Media has been down this road before -- I offered newspapers an alternate punchline if they wanted to use it. The alternate was, "That might have been useless." I don't know how many papers ran the alternate.

Both versions were printed on the United Media web site a week later so we could get reader reactions. Most Dilbert readers who responded were pro-suck. But some disagreed. Here's a sample from the dissenting opinion:

Scott,

In response to your question, the "sucked" version appeared in our paper. I was unhappily surprised to see that.

Contrary to popular belief, morals and ethics do matter (unless you want to be president), and "sucked" used in this manner is unacceptable.

As a former high school teacher, I would like to state that many children read that strip and feel that because it was in the comics, it is acceptable daily language. When they are in school, and the teacher asks why girders are made of steel instead of balsa wood, they will reply "Because balsa wood girders would suck" instead of "Because balsa wood girders would be useless."

It is bad enough that this type of language (which, in addition to being immoral, contributes to poor vocabulary skills) is on the idiot box. We don't need it in the funniest comic strip.

[name omitted by me]

-- end of letter --

So, in addition to being a greedy, satanic terrorist, I am also destroying the morals of a generation of school children. In cartooning terms, that's called a home run. It will be hard to improve on that next month.

Just when you think the educational system is in decay, along comes an inspirational story like this one:

Dear Scott,

Just a quick report about the success of the joke I played on the faculty of Los Gatos High School (SF Bay Area). The idea came from your newsletter which suggested "converting" a copier to voice activation. The faculty copiers already have electronic boxes which require a password to be entered. I decided to convert one to voice activation. On 4/1/97 I attached to the copier in the faculty workroom a cheap microphone and a label with the following instructions: This copier control is now voice activated. Please state your name and department in a loud, clear voice into the microphone. Almost every teacher that used the copier fell for it. Some even returned later in the day to see if it was working yet. It will be hard to top this one in the future, thanks for the great idea.

--- end of report ---

[Editor's note: I am wiping a small tear from my eye. I couldn't be prouder.]

I don't usually explain the jokes in Dilbert, because then you'd realize there often isn't one. But the cartoon that ran on Sunday 7/6/97 confused an unusually large group of people.

The last panel had Wally explaining to Dilbert that when he woke up from his dream, his pillow was gone, which seemed to have nothing to do with anything in that day's cartoon. Dilbert replied, "Wow. You woke up in the wrong joke."

Explanation: There's an old joke, which I thought most people have heard, that goes like this: Last night I dreamed I was eating a huge marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Since Wally hadn't dreamed of a large marshmallow, obviously he woke up in the wrong joke. That's as much as I can tell you. If it still doesn't seem funny, it's too late to fix it. I'll try to do better next time.

Thanks for all the stories and ideas. They're great entertainment, even if I can't use them all. I've found that the best suggestions for the comic tend to be the ones that take this form:

"How about the (boss or co-worker or idiot) who does this..."

Send those suggestions and True Tales of Induhviduals to scottadams@aol.com

Thanks!

If you'd like information on what kinds of Dilbert-related products you can get, send an e-mail message in the following format:

Address:       Dilbert_Products@listserv.unitedmedia.com

Subject Line:  Products

Message:       Products

You won't be put on any additional mailing lists if you do that. You'll receive an e-mail listing the licensee for each Dilbert product, with phone numbers to call if you need more information. The number of products just got too long to include in the newsletter.

Or check out the Dilbert Zone Web site:

www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert

You can order selected Dilbert products directly from the United Media Online Store. Also check your local bookstores, and office and computer supply stores.

You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send an e-mail message using this address and format (substituting your own name for John Doe):

Address:       listserv@listserv.unitedmedia.com

Subject line:  newsletter

Message:       subscribe Dilbert_News John Doe

Don't include any other information. Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically.

You can also subscribe on the Web by visiting The Dilbert Zone at /comics/dilbert. Go to the DNRC area to find the signup page.

Address:       listserv@listserv.unitedmedia.com

Subject line:  newsletter

Message:       unsubscribe Dilbert_News

If the automatic method doesn't work for you, simply send a message to newsletter@unitedmedia.com specifying your e-mail (or snail mail) address and you will be added manually. This method is much slower than the automatic method so please be patient.