Highlights:

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  - New Dilbert book "The Dilbert Principle"

  - Presidential endorsement

  - IQ Test for Induhviduals

  - Strange Tales of Induhviduals

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Scientists have discovered that reading the Dilbert Newsletter not only stimulates endorphins and improves brain circulation, but it also builds lean muscle mass. Granted, most of the improvements are limited to your butt and your mouse finger, but those are important parts.

Look at me, for example. I can benchpress 200 pounds with my mouse finger. And I can sort coins just by sitting on them naked. I can't promise that all of you will receive that level of benefit, but I CAN promise that you won't ask me for change. It Doesn't Hurt to Ask

Lately, a lot of Induhviduals have been asking DNRC members for unreasonable favors. They rationalize it by saying, "It doesn't hurt to ask."

After Dogbert takes over, it WILL hurt to ask.

Induhviduals will be required to tape on their backs a cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels . The DNRC member would then rip the tube off, along with a patch of the Induhvidual's back hair, and briskly pummel the Induhvidual for asking the question. This will have two important benefits:

1. It will remove unsightly back hair from Induhviduals
2. It's aerobic

- Why is your boss such a galactic idiot
- Pretending to have Quality
- The best way to sleep in your cubicle
- Shafting co-workers for personal gain
- A practical joke called ISO 9000
- What makes engineers so danged attractive
- How to sell bad products to stupid people

Win an Original Dilbert Strip

You can win a signed, framed, original Dilbert strip or a gift certificate from Borders Books by playing The Dilbert Principle Trivia Game by e-mail, brought to you by United Media, HarperCollins, Yoyodyne and Borders Books.

It's a skill game based on the nuggets of wisdom found in The Dilbert Principle. After you sign up for the trivia contest you'll get questions from Yoyodyne the week of May 21st, one set of questions per week for four weeks. To win, just be smarter than the other players who read the book. It's that simple.

To play, visit the Dilbert Zone at www.unitedmedia.com or send an e-mail message to dilbert@yoyo.com

Yoyodyne doesn't share its list of players with anybody else, but you will get occasional e-mails from them that announce new games. You can get off their list permanently at any time by sending a message to quitall@yoyo.com Office Pranks on Induhviduals

My favorite prank report from the field:

"A friend of mine who works with MRI machines bet the medical salesman that he could not toss his wallet through the opening in the MRI magnet -- the one the patients' head goes through -- without having the wallet touch the sides.

The Induhvidual's wallet included all of his credit cards, which were instantly demagnetized in the process.

Although it cost my friend a soda, the snicker factor made it well worth the price." True Tales of Induhviduals

These true reports were filed by anonymous DNRC operatives:

Sighting #1:

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure."

The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

[Editor's note: Guess which one of these guys will be a senior manager someday.] Sighting #2:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???" Sighting #4:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "rightsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often."

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck. Sighting #5:

I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on. Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too. Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"

Induhvidual: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?" Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

Induhvidual: Now what do I do?

Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Induhvidual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Induhvidual: How do you spell that? Sighting #9 (from Tech Support):

We received a support call from a customer who had problems connecting to some dial-in lines. He said he found a solution to his connection problems and would like to share it with us.

When he heard his modem retraining upon dialing in, he would pick up the phone and make a "Kckgkth" noise, like a modem, into the phone. Then he would hang up and get a reliable connection. He told us he would be glad to record this noise and send it to us so that our other customers could benefit from it.

After we stopped rolling on the floor laughing, we told him he was just inserting line noise and was connecting at a lower speed. Presidential Candidates

In the last newsletter I offered to throw the full weight of the DNRC behind whichever US presidential candidate requested it first.

Harry Browne, candidate of the Libertarian Party, requested the DNRC endorsement and tried to influence me with a signed copy of his book -- Why Government Doesn't Work. I didn't have time to read it and learn about the issues because I'm too busy participating in democracy. But it's obvious from the name of his party -- Libertarian -- where his priorities are; he's in favor of making Liberace the national bird.

It looked like there is a lot of stuff in his book about taxes and social programs. But what any of that has to do with Liberace is beyond me.

Harry Browne was not the only major candidate to request the DNRC endorsement. Several DNRC members sniffed a window of opportunity and slapped together their own official presidential campaigns consisting primarily of cheap stationery with their names on it. Here's a summary of their campaign platforms:

Steve Taylor: Platform of enlightened despotism

Diana Wales: Platform of tax breaks for cartoonists

Hello Kthulhu: Platform of world chaos through cuteness

Rod Brown: Platform of DNRC tax exemption

Howie The Howling Dog: Platform of blatant favoritism toward Dogbert

Since none of the candidates address this critical issue, I urge you to vote for all six candidates. If anybody questions your multiple voting, just say you're voting for some friends who are waiting in the car. They never check. Quiz for Weeding Out Induhviduals

There is much concern that Induhviduals are trying to pass themselves off as DNRC members. If you are in doubt about a particular person's Induhviduality, simply administer this IQ quiz (Induhviduality Quotient):

1. What is the capital letter in Russia?

2. If 2 + 2 is 4 and 2 x 2 is also 4, what's the big deal about multiplication anyway?

3. Titanium is:

A. A big boat that sank
B. A vulgar latin term
C. A long-haired performer who plays the ukelele

4. When you close the refrigerator door, what happens to the light inside?

A. Nobody knows because it's dark in there
B. It gets trapped inside because it's not as fast as you might think
C. It combines with the yogurt to make "Light Yogurt."

5. If you bang your head against your keyboard, it feels good as soon as you:

A. Stop
B. Become unconscious
C. 0;Hijejnkh9*&^^^jnnlwj

6. If you are planning to be in a relay race and you can't find a baton, a good substitute would be:

A. Scissors
B. Hand grenade
C. Soap

Dear Scott,

I plan to use Dilbert cartoons in my upcoming presentation to a large industry group. It's non-profit so I won't be paying you. Please find all the ones about "Teamwork" and mail them to me. I need them by tomorrow, so either FedEx or e-mail will be fine.

     June

Dear June,

Nothing makes Mister Adams happier than a chance to give his work away for free, especially if it requires extra effort. Unfortunately, Mister Adams is busy cleaning rain gutters for other inconsiderate turds who figured it "wouldn't hurt to ask." So he will not be able to satisfy your request in a timely manner. He apologizes.

But here's a tip: You can spice up your presentation with paintings from the Louvre. Just write to the curator and ask him to mail you the "ones with cherubs exhibiting teamwork." If he gives you any trouble, remind him that you're non-profit and he's being a jerk.

     Dogbert

---

Dear Scott,

I have a Web page that I think you'll enjoy, based on your quirky and irreverent style. Check it out and let me know what you think.

       http://yadayaa.com/bottles/caps/imadork/

Allan

Dear Allan,

Mister Adams appreciates the opportunity to see if his personal preferences match those of strangers, especially if it takes some effort. That's the kind of thing he thinks about constantly. He thanks you for being so giving.

To reciprocate, Mister Adams suggests that you slap yourself in the head with a wooden spoon. Judging from your quirky and irreverent style, we think you'll enjoy it. Let us know what you think.

      Dogbert

---

Dear Scott,

My friend named his turtle Alteriox. It would be very funny if you named a character in the Dilbert strip Alterioxbert. We would all be very amused. If you do it, write and tell me because I don't read the strip.

       Randy

Dear Randy,

That is an excellent suggestion for increasing the humor of the strip in a way that is relevant to a broad audience. In fact, Mister Adams plans to name ALL of the characters Alterioxbert, except for a new character called "Randy the Butt Pimple." Thank you for this excellent suggestion.

Dogbert

The answer is yes, because they make excellent shields in the event of gunfire. And if you need a stamp moistened you can slap them until their tongues hang out. How To Be Funny

One of my most useful revelations about writing humor dialog is that real people don't talk in "question and answer" patterns. But if you sat down and tried to write some humor you would probably be tempted to format it that way and it would look forced and artificial.

In real life, conversations go more like this: I say something that interests me then you say something that interests you. Or I ask a question and you ignore it and change the subject. Or I think aloud something that requires no response whatsoever. The ugly truth is that most people are thinking about themselves when they talk, not the other person.

When you're writing dialog, first you need to understand the characters. Then ask yourself what the character would be thinking and selfishly caring about at that moment. When you give characters "selfish" dialog it usually comes off looking "real" even if you exaggerate it wildly.

Another good trick is to have the character say aloud what they would normally only think. When you verbalize a private thought it often ends up being shockingly impolite or inconsiderate. And that can be funny. Sending Ideas for Dilbert

Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of you.)

The best suggestions are theme ideas, not dialog (even though I just gave you tips on how to write dialog). I'll do the humor part. I'm most inspired by themes of idiotic management and clueless business practices. Tell me about things in your day that caused a feeling of anger, insecurity, doubt, distrust, humiliation, incredulity or guilty pleasure.

Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names.

Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day in that period.

Thanks! The Dilbert Store on the Web

The Dilbert Spring Collection will soon be available. The collection includes DNRC caps, polo shirts, t-shirts and twill shirts. The apparel in the Web store features Dilbert and Dogbert embroidery and is not available in stores.

The Web store also includes limited edition Dilbert framed desk art, Dilbert mug and mousepad sets, books and Dilbert and Dogbert stuffed dolls!

You can order on the web at www.unitedmedia.com or by phone, 800-882-6450. (International callers dial: +1-612-948-5434) Dilbert Mouse Pads

Ring King Visibles has introduced four computer mouse pad and wrist rest designs, including the "Etch A Sketch" and "Bungee Boss" themes from recent favorite strips. They are available at Office Depot and Egghead Software already. Go bug your local computer store or office retailer to stock them. You can also call Ring King visibles for more information at 800-272-2366.

Or check out The Video Catalog (the Early Spring 1996 issue) to see four designs. Call them at 800-733-2232 to get a catalog or order by mail. Dilbert Books

"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (original material about working at a big company), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)

"Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the first year), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)

"Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's original material on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)

"Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)

"Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91.), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9)

"It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" (a compilation covering 5/19/91 to 12/13/92, with color Sundays), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-0415-8).

"Still Pumped from Using the Mouse (a compilation covering 12/14/92 - 9/27/93), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1026-3)

Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher, Andrews and McMeel directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use +1-816-932-6700)

And new from HarperBusiness:

"The Dilbert Principle" (A hard cover book featuring my original essays on various business absurdities, punctuated with the Dilbert comics that have been published on those same topics), HarperBusiness. (ISBN 0-88730-787-6) Dilbert Calendars for 1996

All sold out, but lots more coming for 1997. Dilbert Business Videos:

Coming Soon! New Dilbert animation!

"Dogbert's Do-it-Yourself Tech Test" is an off-beat four minute animated business video featuring Dogbert's test for finding out if you are a self-reliant user of technology. The video opens Technology Does the Strangest Things, a Cohen/Gebler Associates video hosted by Elliot Masie which highlights the importance of developing a self-reliant attitude in the technology driven workplace. Price $99

Cohen/Gebler Associates has ten current Dilbert business video titles for use in meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers. Topics include Quality, Change, Teams, Reengineering, Sales, Meetings and more.

Cohen/Gebler Associates also develop custom programs featuring Dilbert for internal company communications, e.g.:

- Employee training - Internal communications - Employee meetings/events

- Dilbert silk ties (not the flip up kind) - Mug - Sweatshirts - Book: "It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" - Dilbert and Dogbert stuffed dolls - Limited edition lithograph (Signals catalog only)

- Dilbert mugs (six designs) - Dilbert mini gift book: "Telling it Like it Isn't"

Coming soon from The Rainbow Connection, Dilbert suspenders with a "Falling Down the Corporate Ladder" theme. To find a store near you, call 413-267-5421. Hallmark Cards

Look for "The Dilbert Zone" in Hallmark Stores starting this June, including 52 greeting cards and 24 novelty items. New Dilbert T-Shirts from Quality Classics:

Look for Dilbert T-shirts and sweatshirts from Quality Classics in retail stores around the United States. There are nineteen designs, but individual stores will carry different subsets. Demand them at your local store or call Quality Classics to find a store near you: 800-735-7185. New designs include: Technologically Superior, Trouble Brewing, The Loud Dog, Strategy, Cell Mates and Sensory Deprivation Chamber. Online Dilbert Sources

- World Wide Web (The Dilbert Zone)

     /comics/dilbert

(50 DNRC status points if you get somebody to put a link to the Dilbert Web page from another Web site. But please only link to the page itself, not the individual graphics.)

- America Online (older daily strips) (Keyword: Dilbert)

***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************

The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,000 papers in 29 countries.

The author (that would be me) receives about 300 e-mail messages per day. I read all of my e-mail personally. I don't have an assistant, unless you count my cat. If you get a canned response, or no response at all, it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one I like.

Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by education; I did the MBA thing.

I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school. The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite what your friend says, I don't know him/her.

Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths.

The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you.

The boss character has no name. Dogbert's breed is unspecified. Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from MIT. Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert

The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use +1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters. About the Dilbert List

It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the cost of your own e-mail.

I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please.

The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it" which should be about three or four times a year. How to Subscribe Automatically

You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail with the address, subject and message shown:

Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow

(except put your real name instead of Joe Blow).

Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it. The only thing you customize is your first and last name. Unsubscribing

If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message:

            unsubscribe Dilbert_List

Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: get dilbert_list newsletter_1.0

You can use that command form for newletters 1.0 through 10.0, sending a different message for each. They might arrive out of order or take a day or two. This doesn't work for everybody, for reasons none can fathom.

But the best way is to visit the Dilbert Web site if you have a Web browser. /comics/dilbert/

I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I told you. Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter

If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still scottadams@aol.com

If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature." Reprinting This Newsletter

Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette.