If you still can't figure out how to get on the list, you're probably a "Family Circus" fan anyway and not destined to mingle with the new ruling class except maybe as domestic help.

But hey, clean homes are important too. Dilbert Screen Saver

Many of you asked for it. Soon you'll be able to buy a Dilbert Screen Saver (Windows or Mac), courtesy of the very cool people at Delrina.

You'll be able to while away the otherwise useless business day by watching a variety of educational vignettes: Animated lawyers being beaten with large mallets; the Secretary With a Crossbow; Ratbert abducted by a golden eagle; Saint Dogbert driving out the demons of stupidity; Dogbert pummeling an MBA with a rolled up budget report; Bob giving wedgies and lots more.

The Dilbert Screen Saver will be available for the holiday season at major retail stores and mail order, but in the mean time if you have any questions, feel free to call Delrina at 1-800-268-6082. Censorship of Dilbert?

Depending where you were, some of you saw a different Dilbert on August 1st. We offered the newspapers an alternate strip in case they were uncomfortable with my preferred version for that day.

The preferred strip featured Dogbert helping Dilbert's company select a new high-tech name. Dogbert used a computer to randomly generate words from astronomy and electronics, finally coming up with the name "Uranus Hertz."

Some people cried "censorship" when they noticed that a few newspapers ran the alternate. But this wasn't a case of censorship.

It's only censorship if the suppression is for moral reasons. In this case some newspaper editors thought the substitute cartoon was better for their readers. That's just editing, not censorship, and it's okay with me. Dilbert's Necktie

Okay, okay. What's the deal with Dilbert's necktie?

As most of you know, in the first Dilbert Newsletter I said when Dilbert's perky tie went limp it would be a sign that Dilbert got lucky. On August 9th the tie headed South.

But there were some ambiguities: Liz said she wouldn't get physical before marriage; then Dilbert attributed his relaxed condition to becoming a Unitarian. Many readers were confused.

Some of the theories I got by e-mail included:

• Maybe Liz is married.
• Maybe Liz changed her mind and took Dilbert's innocence.
• Maybe Dilbert replaced his lust with religion.
• Maybe "Unitarian" is a pun and the sex was...uh...alone.
• Maybe Liz is a lying, hypocritical little tramp.
• Maybe sex with Liz was like a religious experience.

If you believe what you read, the sky is thick with aliens who are designing pyramids, disemboweling livestock, impregnating rural people and generally having a good time at our expense.

But we also read that thousands of people celebrate holidays by firing guns in the air. From a statistical standpoint, you'd expect many aliens would get caught in the hail of bullets and we'd find their tiny green bodies slumped all over the place. But I've never found one. And I've looked.

Logically then, guns must not exist.

Of course, some conspiracy theorists believe that the government swoops in and creates elaborate cover stories whenever an alien lands in somebody's shrubbery. This line of thinking depends on the notion that the government is highly efficient. (I don't know how the conspiracy theorists exchange ideas, but I'm guessing it's not through the mail.) But What About Liz?

So that brings us directly to the question of Liz and Dilbert.

Over the summer I've received lots of suggestions about whether Dilbert should lose his innocence or Liz should be hit by a meteor. Opinions were divided, but the most persuasive letters basically said:

"Neither option is creative enough."

But I'd already written myself into a corner.

So I did the only thing you can do when you're trapped in a corner: I chewed my way through the wall. I broke the unwritten cartoon rules. I shifted responsibility for defining reality...to you.

My solution was to write the comic equivalent of a traffic accident. All the witnesses see the same event but perceive it differently. Reality is, after all, subjective. How you interpreted the August 9th strip says a lot about you.

About 18 out of every 20 people saw the limp tie and perceived that Dilbert lost his innocence. They believed that when Liz said "no" she didn't mean it or she changed her mind. Maybe some readers trusted me as the authority figure in this case, and I clearly implied the tie was the sign. Or maybe they just wanted Dilbert to get lucky. The people in this group buy lottery tickets and expect to win.

A few of you questioned all of the assumptions. You considered the possibility that the tie could be down for some other reason. That, coupled with the pun-like word "Unitarian" led you to believe Dilbert took matters into his own hands. This group took Liz at her word and assumed the author was trying to pull a fast one (so to speak). This group is composed of lonely people who are often misdiagnosed as professional tennis players. (Think about it.)

A small minority of readers distrusted Liz, assuming she must be married but not to Dilbert. The people in this group voted for Perot and occasionally find bullet-riddled aliens slumped in their shrubbery.

One Unitarian asked if he could reproduce the August 9th strip for a recruiting brochure. He will go to heaven. What Really Happened?

It's a private matter between Dilbert and Liz. The Future of Liz

You won't see Liz for a few months because I had a bunch of cartoons in the pipeline before I knew her fate. But she'll return because of popular demand.

Liz is an engineer too, for a different company. She's an expert on composite materials. If there are any materials engineers out there, send me an e-mail with any good buzzwords you'd like to see included. Dear Dogbert

In this section, Dogbert will answer frequently asked questions which I'm too polite to answer myself.

I noticed that the Dilbert cartoon is available on the Internet. Is it okay if I copy and distribute it everywhere as long as I don't make any profit? It seems like this would be good publicity for you.

Dear Moron:

It's apparent that you were raised in some god-forsaken Eastern Bloc communist country. Let me explain some of the basic concepts of capitalism.

The best way to learn is by experience. I'd like you to go to your nearest mall departments store and try your approach to get some free pants.

Don't let them intimidate you with their snooty attitudes. As you well know, if you wear their pants it's excellent publicity for Macy's. In fact THEY should pay YOU to take their pants. Remember, the only thing that really matters is that you were considerate enough to ask. Besides, they have lots of pants and you only have a few pairs.

If this approach does not yield satisfactory results, just grab a pair off the rack and run for the exit. If you hear a loud alarm as you pass through the exit it means you have won a prize hog from the store. If you do not see the hog immediately, make loud hog calls until the prize committee surrounds you (they have maroon uniforms -- can't miss 'em).

As far as the Dilbert strips go, they are copyrighted. That means you can't copy them without permission from United Media (which generally means sending them money -- call 800-221-4816).

But you seem like such a nice guy that I'll ask them to send you special written permission. If you don't get it in a few hours it must be lost at the Post Office. So call the Surgeon General and complain. And don't accept her lame excuses about jurisdiction.

I especially like stories of office politics, poorly conceived incentive plans, clueless management techniques, new business fads, amazingly bad bosses, strange idiosyncrasies and obnoxious corporate policies -- things that evoke emotional responses.

The best fodder involves what people are thinking, not what they are saying.

So please don't send dialog suggestions.

You can send suggestions by e-mail to scottadams@aol.com or by snail mail to Scott Adams, c/o United Media, 200 Park Ave., New York, NY 10166. Next Newsletter

In the next newsletter I'll defend myself from the cruel accusation that my e-mail address defines me as a newbie. And I'll tell you how to jockey for status in Dogbert's new ruling class. (The job of "Minister of Gadgets" has already been awarded.) My Support Staff

I still handle all of my e-mail personally, although I recently taught my cat Sarah to fire up a Flash Session to retrieve my mail from America Online. (But she has to use "QUICKEYS" so it's hardly noteworthy.)

Other than that, it's still just me and the dust mites. And judging from their actions, they haven't bought into my mission statement. ***************** General Dilbert Facts *******************

The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in 250 papers in 9 countries. The author (that would be me) receives about 50 e-mail messages per day. Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert

The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use 01-212-692-3700). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters. Dilbert Books

"Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (new material about working at a big company), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8)

"Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the first year), Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6)

"Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's new material on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3)

A fourth book -- a compilation of the second year of Dilbert -- titled "Shave the Whales" is just out in May 1994. It's from Andrews & McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3)

The fifth book is due in Spring of 1995.

Check with any bookstore. If that fails, call the publisher directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use 01-816-932-6700) Dilbert Business Videos:

Cohen/Gebler Associates has created a set of short animated Dilbert business videos for meetings, workshops and presentations. The videos are based closely on themes from the strip. They're used primarily as ice breakers.

Six titles are currently available:  

 

    - Dilbert on Quality 

    - Dilbert on Managing Change  

    - Dilbert Does Sales 

    - Dilbert Does Meetings 

    - Just the Breaks #1 (Mingling Groups) 

    - Just the Breaks #2 (110%). 

Call 1-800-208-3535 for more information. (International callers use 01-617-262-4242) Dilbert Shirts and Mugs:

 

- Sunday Comics Store at 800-243-8962.   

 

     T-Shirt:      Dilbert and Dogbert floating in Cyberspace 

     Sweat Shirt:  Dilbert and Dogbert floating in Cyberspace 

 

- Signals Catalog at 800-663-9994  

  (International callers dial 01-612-659-4312) 

 

     Mug:          St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity 

     T-Shirt:      St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity 

     Sweat Shirt:  St. Dogbert drives out demons of stupidity 

 

- America Online (older daily strips) (Keyword:  Dilbert) 

 

- ClariNet:  ClariNews service.  1-800-USE-NETS or  

             info@clarinet.com for subscription info.  Daily  

             current strips. 

 

- World Wide Web:   

          http://nearnet.gnn.com/gnn/news/comix/dilbert.html 

                      (may not be updated regularly) 

 

Note:  None of the Sunday Dilberts are online anywhere yet. 

I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one.

The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it", which should be about two or three times a year. How to Subscribe Automatically

You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail to the address listproc@internex.net with ONLY this message in the body of your e-mail:

subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow

You can put anything in the subject line. And your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it.

If the automatic method doesn't work for you, send me a note at scottadams@aol.com and I'll put you on manually. Unsubscribing

If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message:

unsubscribe Dilbert_List

get dilbert_list newsletter_1.0

If you got a strange message saying you can't change your password, ignore it. The password isn't useful in this application. Reprinting This Newsletter

Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette. But don't forward copies to Bill Amend because he's still mad about getting six copies of the first newsletter.